Never Meant To
by SnowyNeko
Summary: Nothing. She wakes up in the hospital to find she can't remember a single thing about herself, and is then told she was part of the Kira investigation team. With no idea who she is, she gets thrown into the crowd with only the help of her coworkers and the Yagami family. But why has she forgotten everything? And what was her past that lead her into the situation she's in now?
1. Chapter 1

Hello again, loyal readers and new ones. I've been wanting to start posting this for a while, but swim has been seriously interfering with my actual life. I can't wait till it's over. I was originally planning to wait it out, but obviously I gave up. I don't know how often I'll be posting with swim going on and all, but I shall do my best to keep you guys supplied with fresh content. This idea took me a while to formulate, so I hope you end up as pleased with it as I am. I wanted to create something you didn't usually see from Death Note fan fictions. And I somehow ended up with this. I've taken quite a liking to my main character, as I hope you guys will too. As with all my stories, I will be omitting physical descriptions of her so you can imagine her however you like and/or you can put yourself in her place. I look forward to this journey. Please take care of me!

* * *

Strange. There's nothing. I can't seem to find a single thing. Not a single person, place, or time...it's just empty. A void. Why isn't there anything? Why can't I drudge up my birthday, or my home? Why is it that when I try to remember something, there's only blackness? Do I...do I even have a name?

I force my eyes to open against the light, the effort strained with the heaviness that has descended over my body.

The ceiling is white.

The thought jolts my eyes wide. The black emptiness is the first thing I can recall, my first memory, and this realization accompanied by the stark white of the ceiling is the second. It's as if I was born mere seconds ago, and yet, I know that's preposterous.

The weight of sleepiness diminishes as I push myself upright, sheets falling into my lap. The light seeping in from behind the tan curtains signifies daytime, while also serving to illuminate my surroundings. Panic sets in when my location registers.

This is a hospital room. This is where people die.

I throw off the blankets, about to swing my feet to the floor when I freeze. My eyes meet those of a creature that clearly does not belong to this world. It's eyes glow red, its teeth bared in a grotesque grin. Giant, black feathered wings sprout from its back, not moving despite the fact that it's levitating. Stitches sew together what looks like white skin and furry pelt. Something in my brain clicks and I find myself able to put a name to the monster. It's a shinigami.

How do I know that?

The door swings open and my attention diverts. The man who walks in is Mr. Yagami. Who is he? He doesn't pay the shinigami so much as a glance and it crosses my mind that he can't see it. In that case, I shouldn't be able to either, so I should I act like I can't?

"How're you feeling?" he asks, crossing his arms. I blink up at him, unsure how to respond. When I don't say anything, he goes on. "His death came as a shock to all of us, but you seemed to take it the hardest. We had no idea the two of you were so close."

I hesitate for a moment, but somehow manage to coerce sound from my mouth. "What...what are you talking about?"

"Oh, did we assume wrong?" His stoic expression gains a hint of surprise. "We just thought that with how you reacted, fainting and all, that you two had started a closer relationship than just coworkers."

Relationship? Coworkers? Is that what Mr. Yagami is? A coworker? Who...is he talking about? Someone died? And I just fainted? Doesn't loss of memory usually come with a head injury? Maybe I hit my head when I fell, if I was standing up.

"When we told the doctors, they said it was all just shock and that you'd have to sleep it off. You slept through the entire day."

"Is that so?" I murmur, searching in the murky abyss for any piece of information on Mr. Yagami or the event he's talking about. I find nothing.

I jump when he sits on the edge of the bed, his awkwardness glaringly difficult to miss. "I know it's hard to see someone you know die like that. It's for reasons like this that we began searching for Kira in the first place. Even with him gone we're going to continue the investigation. I know we're not supposed to talk about our work with outsiders, but we'll make an exception if there's anyone you want to call to talk this through with."

He offers me his phone and I take it absently, realizing as I do that I'm wearing black leather gloves that stop abruptly at my wrists. Do I typically wear these often? I'm about to set the phone down to take them off, but… Is there anyone for me to call? Maybe if it was my own phone, I could look through the contacts and spark a memory, but do I even have a phone? If I did, wouldn't he be handing me mine instead of his?

"I...can't remember," I finally admit, hand trembling. "I can't remember. Are we coworkers? Shouldn't my family be here to see me in the hospital? Do I...surely I have a family, right? I don't think we're related, are we? So where are they?" If they're here, people I was close to my whole life, wouldn't I remember something seeing them?

Mr. Yagami takes in my words, understanding dawning on his features. "Well, L requested that we don't look into your background. We don't know any of your family or have any way of contacting them."

I can't meet his eyes. So, no family. Even if they're out there, I have no way of finding them. My head falls into my heads, uncertainty clouding my thought process.

"Is she alright?"

I peek up to see a man with light brown hair standing in the doorway. Light Yagami. The name is the same, so is he Mr. Yagami's son? He seems a lot more open about his concern than his father is. I wonder if he's younger or older than me. I can't seemt to pinpoint my exact age, but I appear much closer to Light's than I do to his father's.

"She seems to have amnesia." Mr. Yagami runs his hands through his hair, letting out a long breath. Light's surprise is also a lot more expressive than his father's.

"You're kidding! Has she really forgotten everything?" His disbelief somehow makes me feel small. I shrink away, timid. This reaction seems to astonish him all the more. This time, he addresses me. "Really? Do you not know who we are?"

I slightly shake my head. I may know their names, but knowing a name is a far cry from actually knowing a person.

"Do you remember where you were staying before?" Mr. Yagami inquires, studying me. I repeat my head motion and he sighs. "Then I guess you can stay with us for the time being, until we find out where you were housing. I'm sure my daughter Sayu would be glad to share her room."

"As for who we are," Light picks up after his father, "we worked together. My name is Light Yagami, and this is my father. We were all trying to solve the identity of a serial killer by the name of Kira together, with the help of a genius detective who went by L."

"Is he…the one who died?" I inquire, glancing between the two of them. Light averts his gaze, but his father nods yes. "I see. And...what was my role in this?"

"You were L's personal assistant, in a way," Mr. Yagami ventures. "He brought you onto the case without our consent, saying you'd be a great asset on the condition that we didn't search into your background. You two could throw questions at each other like no one else could, all of them relevant to solving the mystery. After the first week, none of us could doubt that you would be a great help."

"I….I'm really sorry, but I don't remember any of this!" I cower. I don't know if I can be as useful as before. They keep saying we were working on a case, but I can't recall anything about it! How much of a help can I be if I don't even know who I am?

"Hey, don't worry about it." Light rests a hand on my shoulder, smiling down at me gently. "We'll get you caught up on the details so you can be back on the team in no time."

"Y-yeah." I fold my hands on my lap nervously. Oddly enough, something about the black gloves is comforting. I'll probably keep them on for a while.

Mr. Yagami stands suddenly, causing me to jerk away from Light's hand in surprise. "I'll send a doctor in to assess the extent of your amnesia, but don't worry. Once he's done, we'll take you out of the hospital immediately. We'll wait in the cafeteria so we can eat before leaving. Come down when you're ready."

"Um, okay," I accept. I don't know if I'm exactly comfortable going home with these people, but what choice do I have? Stay in the hospital? I don't exactly like the sound of that, either.

As the father son duo exits the room, the shinigami begins to laugh. I cringe at the haunting sound, uneasy as it echoes emptily around the room.

"What?" I mutter, wincing as I address the monster.

"This should be fun," he chuckles, sending goosebumps up my arm. "Very fun."

Then the door opens and Mr. Yagami comes back in, a doctor by his side. "This is Doctor Minagawa."

"How're you doing?" The doctor greets me. I don't say anything. Did I know this man before? I don't know. I don't really have any way of knowing. Whether we've met before or not, whether we're strangers or close friends, this is the start of our relationship with each other. Every person I meet will be a start, because right now, I don't know anyone. _I don't know anyone_.

I bite my lip, turning away from the doctor and hunching my shoulders. I don't want to start from scratch like this. I don't like it at all. Just one connection, just one person I want to remember, but there's nothing. Why did this have to happen to me? Why wasn't I at least left with a sliver of my identity?

"Not so well, then," Doctor Minagawa concludes, settling himself on the bed like Mr. Yagami had done earlier. "Do you know where we are?"

"A hospital," I mumble. There, I know that at least.

"Do you know where this hospital is?"

"Japan."

"Where in Japan?"

I remain silent, signifying my absence of knowledge.

"We are in the Kanto region, Tokyo to be exact," he informs me. "And how about the date? It should be one day past the last time you were awake."

Again, I don't respond. I don't know anything about that.

"I see. And what year it is?"

"Can you stop asking me?" I request, wringing my hands. "I'm already aware how little I know right now."

"I'm afraid I'll have to ask more," the doctor denies my request. "You may know, but I do not. What about that tattoo around your neck. Do you have any recollection of what it is or why you got it?"

A tattoo around my neck? My hand raises without my trying to touch my throat. What I touch has a vaguely different texture than the rest of my skin. "Can I...can I have a mirror?"

"I thought you might ask that." He picks up a hand mirror on the bed that I hadn't noticed before and holds it out for me to take. Wrapping my fingers around it, I tilt it to view my reflection. Hair tumbles around the face reflected, wide eyes staring right back at me. I don't even recognize my own face. Angling it down a little, I find a wide black strip around my throat. What was the point of me getting that?

"I don't know," I repeat the thought that's been playing over and over again in my mind, hastily lowering the mirror so I don't have to look at the unfamiliar person staring back at me.

"And how about those gloves? Mr. Yagami tells me you always wear them. How do you feel about taking them off?"

I pull my clenched hands closer to my chest protectively. "I like them. I don't want to take them off."

"Could you please?"

"NO!" I snap, tensing and drawing back. Then I collect my bearings, seeing the surprised expression of both Mr. Yagami and Doctor Minagawa.

This time, Doctor Minagawa's voice is much softer. "I think it would be to your benefit to take them off, if only for a moment. I just want to see your hands."

I release a shuddering breath, then nod slowly. He's not being unreasonable, I'm just being difficult. Hands shaking violently, I work to remove my left glove first. When the doctor asks to help, I refuse it with a sharp, "I can do it."

Both gloves come off easily, revealing two ordinary hands. Without the leather covering them, they feel horribly naked, but there's nothing extraordinary about them. Seeing my discomfort and the plainness of my hands, the doctor gives me permission to put them back on. I do so as quickly as my movement allows.

"I'd better get back to the others," Mr. Yagami says, turning to leave. "I leave her in your hands for now, Doctor."

"Wait!" I practically shout the word, panic once again crashing over me. Thankfully, he stops and turns to me. "Before you go, can you at least...tell me my name?"

His mouth sits barely open, unsure how to respond. Then he clears his throat. "Uh, well, it's Kameko. Kameko Suzuki."

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Tadaa! Chapter one complete. So, how do you guys like Kameko so far? Obviously you don't know much about her yet, but first impressions? First impressions are pretty important, in real life and in stories. How do you guys imagine her as? I mean hair color, eye color, height, etc. etc. As I always do, in the last chapter I'll tell you guys how I myself see her and list off a couple descriptions of how you guys saw her (if any of you respond). I can't wait to hear your guys' reactions!

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	2. Chapter 2

Well, not a lot of people have read this story so far, but from those of you who have the response has been overwhelmingly positive! It makes me eager to post! I mean, I already was of course, but this is a huge boost in morale for me! This is probably the quickest I've ever got descriptions of my character! Thank you so much! I seriously love that you guys have liked my story so much, and after only the _first chapter,_ too! I hope this trend continues as I write more. I shall do my absolute best to please you as Kameko continues to delve into her journey of self discovery….and that line has got to be one of the cheesiest I've ever written. Oh well, though. Sometimes honesty is cheesy. I didn't say this in the last chapter because I wanted to wait until the last line to tell you her name, so here I go.

I am pleased to introduce you to my newest character, Kameko.

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"Here we are," Mr. Yagami notifies me. I glance out the window, finding us stopped at a regular house. What was I expecting? Well, I'm not entirely sure. Before this car ride I couldn't have described an average Japanese house.

While I stare, I fail to notice Light getting out of the front seat. When he opens the door for me, I jolt, barely managing not to squeak in surprise.

"Sorry, did I scare you?" he frets, holding his hand to me to help me out. Taking his hand, I swallow my fear.

"I'm….just a little jumpy at the moment," I defend myself.

"I can't blame you," he says sympathetically. "It must be terrifying to not remember anything about yourself." I flinch when the door slams behind me, releasing Light's hand. The dimness of night doesn't help my confidence at all. If only that doctor hadn't questioned me for so long, just for me to answer 'I can't remember' every time. And when I was finally released to go down to the cafeteria, I was met by another three strangers who I apparently knew before. They each introduced themselves as Mr. Aizawa, Mr. Mogi, and Touta Matsuda. There was no need to introduce myself, since they all knew more about me than I do myself.

Mr. Yagami walks in front of me up to the door, but Light lingers behind to walk beside me. I cross my arms, holding my elbows. Have I ever been to this place before? Neither of them have said anything about whether I have or not, so does that mean I haven't?

As he walks through the front door, Mr. Yagami announces, "I'm home!"

"Welcome back," a woman with short, brown hair responds. "How have you been? Since you called and told me about that detective's death…" She hangs her head in sorrow. She's too young to be Sayu, so then that makes her the wife. When I step into the light, I bow my head respectfully.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Yagami."

"What do you mean, Kameko?" She tilts her head, confused. "We've met before, at the police station."

I cringe. "Oh…"

"Kameko's lost her memory, Mom," Light pipes up. "She really doesn't remember anything."

She gasps. "That's just terrible! You poor girl! What happened?"

"After L...after he had that heart attack, she fainted," Mr. Yagami informs her, slipping out of his coat. "When she woke up, she'd forgotten everything. I offered her to stay with us for now, since we don't know where she's supposed to be staying."

"Stay with us for as long as you need, Kameko," Mrs. Yagami insists, coming and laying a hand on my arm. "If you need anything, just ask. We're all more than happy to help."

"I thought she could stay in Sayu's room," Mr. Yagami mentions.

"Yes, that seems like a good idea," his wife agrees. Going to the bottom of the staircase, she calls out, "Sayu! Come down here!"

A young girl with hair the same as her mom's, except longer, bounds down the stairs. She stops on the last step, eyes landing on me.

"I-I'm Kameko," I introduce myself, hoping I'm not making the same mistake as before. Luckily, this time she responds in kind.

"I'm Sayu Yagami."

I let out a breath of relief as the girl's mom explains to her the situation. "This is one of the people who works with your father and brother, Sayu, but tragically she's lost her memory. We'll be housing her for a while, and we were thinking about putting her in your room."

"Sure," Sayu accepts without resistance. "It'll be like having a big sister!"

"Um, thank you," I fumble out. Then I notice how Mr. Yagami and Light have both taken off their shoes and go down to remove mine. They're black leather boots, the same material as my gloves, that were waiting by my bedside when I was in the hospital. I was told they were mine.

"You don't have to do that, Kameko," Mr. Yagami stops me. "Those boots were another thing you never took off, like those gloves. I don't want you feeling uncomfortable."

I retract my hands. Both these gloves and boots offer me some sense of security, a connection to the me with memories. Keeping them on makes it a bit easier for me to act sane.

"Should I show you my room?" Sayu asks, smiling. I hesitate before nodding. Her grin widens and she grabs my wrist. "No need to by shy. You're older than me! I should be the shy one!"

I glance at Light, uncertain, but he motions for me to go along so I let her drag me up the stairs. Sayu's room isn't much out of the ordinary, as far as I know. The walls are a greyish blue, two windows cracked to let in the coolness of the night air. There's her bed, with a bedspread of purple with blue polka-dots, then her plain wood desk with a single lamp so she can work into darker hours. I assume the dual doors on the wall to the left lead into a closet.

"Whaddya think?" she asks, flicking on the lights.

"It's...nice," I offer, unsure of what to say. Honestly, I have no clue whether or not this room is impressive or shabby. I have nothing to compare it to.

"Thanks." She plops down onto her bed, smoothing her pillow. "Mom will probably bring up the tatami mat for you to sleep on. If you hate sleeping on the floor, you could always have the bed."

"Um, no, I'll be fine," I quickly reply. I _think_ I'll be fine, anyway. The concept of sleeping on the floor doesn't seem to strike a bad chord in me, but then again, today not many things have struck any sort of chord for me: good or bad.

After a moment of silence, Sayu seems to remember something. "Oh, you don't know where the bathroom is! It wouldn't be good if you fell asleep without taking a shower! Come with me." She hops back to her feet and I trail after her out into the hallway. When she stops at a door, she first knocks before opening it. Inside is tile flooring that runs into a porcelain tub already filled with water. "Towels are under the sink. Why don't you take a shower now and I'll get one after you? Light will just have to wait until late tonight."

"S-sure," I agree with a small nod.

"And you need to get rid of that stutter," she instructs as she leaves. "No need to be so nervous." I watch until she disappears back into her room, or I guess it's our room now. Then, hesitant, I grab the doorknob and pull the door shut so I'm alone in the bathroom. Although I haven't gone all day, I have no urge to use the toilet, so I ignore the porcelain throne and go to the sink. A rectangular mirror resides over it.

Once again, the same apprehensive eyes from back in the hospital meet my gaze. This time, I take my time to study the face. I can't deny the unease I feel having a stranger for a reflection. Still, I should at least know what I look like. As far as I've seen, I'm not ugly. Could I call myself beautiful? It seems unfair to compare myself to everyone else, and vice versa. The tattoo around my neck is just as I remember: thick, plain and black. Why did I ever choose to plaster something like that around my neck for my entire life? Did it have some sort of major symbolism to the me from before?

Since the tub is full, I clench my eyes and pull off my shirt. After a minute, I crack an eye open and glance back in the mirror. When I see myself, I immediately snap my eyes back shut. There's no bra. It's like looking at another person entirely. It's just….wrong.

Sucking it up, I discard my pants and underwear, then waver at the boots and gloves. I think it would be more usual to take them off first, but something inside of me is screaming at me not to. I left them for last, but I can't just wear them in the water. I'm pretty sure leather doesn't endure water damage well.

My teeth grind as I peel off the gloves. I set them on the sink and step over to the tub, dipping my hand into the water. With my trembling hand, I feel that the temperature is just above lukewarm. Drawing my hand back close to me, I let out a quaking breath before balancing on one foot to remove the first boot. As I do so, I discover that my balance is above ideal. Then I set down my bare foot to support myself as I remove the other one.

And my foot goes through the tile.

Breath catching, I lift the foot again and balance, wide eyed. What...what was that? Slowly, I let my foot descend again and stretch the toes to hit the floor. They pass through it like it's air. I jerk back, barely managing to stay standing on my one foot. Although it went through like my hand did to the water, I didn't feel it. I could feel the temperature, the movement of the water, but even though I'm convinced the tiles should be cold, I can't even feel that much.

Mind racing, I try to support myself on the sink only to have my fingers wave through it similarly. How is this happening? Why can't I touch anything? I mean, the water I could touch, but why can't I touch anything else? Memories aren't needed for me to know this is something that simply _should not happen_.

My eyes land on the gloves. I snatch them back, my entire body unraveling with relief when they sit in my hands as solid as ever. Seconds don't have time to pass before the gloves are back on my hands. Then, oh so carefully, I lean down to pick up the one boot strewn on the ground and slip my foot back into it. So this is why I wore these everywhere. But, how is this even possible? I mean, I'm real, right? Sayu, Light, their parents, and everyone else I've met could see me, could hear me. Sayu even touched me when she took me to her room.

Hastily, I throw back on all the clothes I'd discarded onto the floor. Then, both booted feet planted firmly on the ground, I turn to the sink. Taking a deep breath, I reach out my gloved hand to touch it. My fingers hit it, drag across it.

Shivers shoot up my spine. What is this? Am I ghost? I can't be, right? My thoughts travel back to the shinigami from the hospital. Could I….no, I was the only one who could see him. If I was a shinigami, no one would be able to see me. So what am I? And how have I kept this a secret all this time? Surely Mr. Yagami and Light weren't aware of this...quirk. They wouldn't have allowed such an abomination into their house if they knew.

A knock at the door sends me jumping back and nearly crashing into the wall. "Hey, Kameko!" Sayu's voice. "Is there still soap in there?"

"Ye….Yes, there is," I respond, desperate to keep my voice steady. "I'll be out soon."

When silence follows, I assume she's left. Gnawing on the inside of my cheek, I turn the cold water on in the sink before removing my gloves again. I should at least have wet hair when I emerge. Once my hair is thoroughly soaked, I don my gloves to open the cabinet below the sink and take out a towel. When my hair passes right through the towel, all the water staying in the towel, I wince. I wring it out above my head while its bent over the sink, then leave the sopping towel on the side of the sink.

When I come out, Mrs. Yagami is waiting. "I have some pajamas you can try for tonight. We'll go buy you some stuff tomorrow, but I hope my wardrobe can suffice for now."

"Thank you for the offer," I mumble, hiding my gloved hands behind my back, "but I think I'd feel most comfortable sleeping in my own clothes tonight."

"I understand," she nods. "Have a nice night, then." She leaves down the hallway and I go back to Sayu's room to find the tatami mat set up. Door shut and alone in the room, I remove one of my gloves and test the bed. Thankfully, my hand stops when it hits the blanket and the pillow. Even so, I put my gloves back on. I just wanted to see if I had to keep my boots on or not. Seeing I don't, I place them directly beside the pillow and tuck myself in.

Eventually, Sayu comes back and gets in bed, and the noise of the house dies down. As the night passes, I learn one more frightening thing about myself. Not only can I not touch some things, but I don't sleep, either.

* * *

Yeah, so….surprise! I promise she's as confused as you are right now. You'll figure out the reason why later. I'm super psyched to get this story out there. I've been investing a ton in it lately, and it's been going so well! This is only the beginning, of course. There's so much more yet to come. Have any guesses begun to formulate? I'm pretty proud of the story I've made, so I'll be extremely impressed if one of you gets it more than 50% of it right. So go right ahead and pour out your predictions. I promise, there won't be any changes made to the story based on what you say. I would never do that to you guys. If you get close enough to the truth, though, I just might give you a shout-out in the last chapter. If you get that much of right, you'd deserve it.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, I'm back, although I was hoping to post yesterday. I got busy with life (which is a rare occurrence with me) and couldn't get to the computer. If you haven't read any of my other stories before, then you may not know I like to rant about random nonsense in these little prescript noted. So here's today's rant. I recently got a boyfriend, and I feel like gushing over him. He's a _super_ sweet guy. For my birthday he got me a necklace, which I've been wearing every day since, and tons of chocolates! I don't know how I'm going to eat it all! And also, he calls me 'mi novia', which is way better than being called by some ordinary pet name. I actually can't stand nicknames like bae or honey or baby, so when he called me 'mi novia' instead without my asking, I was ecstatic! I also happened to find him at a really needed time in my life, so for any of you out there who might be suffering a broken heart right now, I swear there's going to be someone else! Sometimes it just takes a bit of patience.

If you're reading this right now, please don't bring this up next time we're meeting. You'll embarrass me to no ends. Go ahead and read.

* * *

When the light flashes on, I wait exactly one minute before sitting upright. Sayu has thrown her pillow over her head to block out the brightness, moaning for more time. In the doorway, her mother stands with her hands clasped in front of her.

"Good morning, Kameko," she smiles.

To this, I reply, "Good morning, Mrs. Yagami. What day is it?"

"It's Monday, so Sayu has to be going to school." She says this pointedly, eyes flickering over to her daughter trying to burrow herself in her bed before landing her gaze back on me. "Light told me that you usually have classes at the university on Mondays, but I think it might be better for you to reciprocate for a couple of days before returning."

So I attend a university, do I? "I would…" I decide, "I would like to go. There could be something that sparks my memory."

"I see. That does make sense, but don't force yourself. If you're sure you want to go, bring Sayu with you down to breakfast. She's a hassle in the morning." She clicks her tongue in disapproval. "Really, she should try to take after her brother a little more. He stays up so late studying and yet he gets up all on his own every morning." With that, she turns and walks away.

I stretch the creakiness from my bones. Is it going to be like this every night? Will I have to lie still for fear of waking others for hours on end because I can't sleep? I mean, I obviously know what sleep is, but the concept seems foreign to my body. What kind of person doesn't sleep?

But does it really matter whether I sleep or not? As long as people don't catch onto that fact, it doesn't change anything. What _does_ change things is my inability to touch some things, but stranger yet the fact that I _can_ touch others. I shove my feet back into the leather boots, gloves still secure on my hands, and make my way to Sayu's bedside.

"You heard your mother, right?" I ask, laying a hand on the mound of sheets. She pulls them tighter. "Come on, Sayu, you should go down and eat. It would be bad if you had to skip breakfast."

"Mm, can't I have a little longer?"

"Get up and go ask your mother that."

With a wide yawn, she relents, throwing off her covers. Her groggy eyes meet mine. I motion with my hand for her to go first, to which she slothfully responds to by climbing out of her bed. After closing the bedroom door behind me, I follow her down the stairs. I'm the last one to the table, which is bountiful with fruit and eggs.

"Don't worry, my husband told me about your all fruit and vegetable diet," Mrs. Yagami assures me. I take my seat, wondering why I wouldn't eat anything else.

Mr. Yagami must've seen the wonderment on my face, because he tells me, "You were very insistent that you had a horrible allergy to processed goods, so you could only eat fresh greens that you were sure weren't treated." His expression gains a hint of a smile, but at the same time his eyes fall from mine. "L was always trying to get you to eat some sort of sweet, but you wouldn't even touch a sugarcube."

"Um," I pick up a blackberry between two of my gloved fingers, "who exactly was L? He was the one who died, right? Was he the head of the investigation on this…Kira person?"

"L was…" It's Light who speaks. "Ryuzaki was the smartest person among us. He was in charge of the team we're on, and he was so close to solving the case….before Kira got to him."

I pop the blackberry in my mouth, pleased to find it doesn't pass through me. "So….how exactly was he killed? If this serial killer got to him, then shouldn't there be clues left? What weapon was used?" I pluck up another berry, this time a blueberry, before noticing the dead silence that descended over the table. "D-did I say something wrong?"

"That's the thing about this case," Mr. Yagami informs me grimly, leaning his elbows on the table. "The weapon Kira uses leaves no traces behind."

"No traces? What kind of-" The answer comes to me out of the blue, sudden and omniscient. The Death Note. The notebook where all it takes is a name and a face to kill a person, and even control their every thought and move before death. There are a lot of rules that are involved, down to time and the destination of the soul of the user. How do I know all of this?

"Well," Light begins, "it's called a-"

"Death Note," I interject, not chewing the berry in my mouth. Then after another moment of silence, I swallow and continue. "I...it came to me just now. You don't have to explain it to me. I remember what it is."

Light's eyes widen, in a look I guess could be considered to be hope. "Really? You remembered?"

"Only that, I'm afraid."

"Hey." I look over to Sayu, who's sitting beside me. Her gaze is locked onto the hand closest to her. "Why do you wear your gloves even when you eat? Shouldn't you take them off?"

"I feel uncomfortable without them," I bristle.

"So much so that you can't take them off for ten minutes?"

"Not even that."

"Then what did you do while taking a bath yesterday?"

I crack a smile. She's clever, this girl. Being on the investigation team, Mr. Yagami must be fairly intelligent, and Light extremely so since he's still a student. I guess that goes for me, as well. This house is just full of intellect. "I kept them out of the water the best I could."

"You're more than uncomfortable without them," Light notes, standing. "I've never seen you bare handed once. That must be some serious phobia you have. Anyway, we should be heading out. Are you going to change clothes before we go, Kameko?"

"Ah, no, I'm fine," I fumble to my feet, following him to the door. "Thank you for the food Mrs. Yagami."

"You are plenty welcome. When you return, we'll go shopping so you don't have to keep wearing the same thing," she waves. I wave back, as does Light before we step out the door.

I nearly yelp when I turn to see the black shinigami from the hospital directly outside the door. Light walks straight through him, stopping to look back at me on the other side.

"What's wrong, Kameko?"

I glance to him, buying a few seconds time to conjure up an excuse and stifle a threatening stutter. "It's a beautiful morning, isn't it? The sunrise is so pretty." Then, I take step and feign tripping, stumbling around the shinigami. Once I assure him I'm fine, I join Light as we begin on our way to the university. I trail only a step behind him so he leads the way. Behind us, the death god cackles.

"Why don't I join you for your classes until you regain your memories?" Light suggests, making conversation as we go. "I think I know your schedule pretty well, since you sometimes had to skip classes to help with the investigation. I guess you wouldn't remember, but I helped you move around your schedule so you could attend them all."

"Oh, thank you!"

"It wasn't any trouble, really. But at least until you memorize your schedule again, I think I should go to classes with you."

I shake my head. "You have your own classes! I could never ask you to do something like skip for me! You're grades would suffer-"

"Don't worry about it! I'm really good at studying, and I'm sure I can get someone to take notes for me. Besides, if I find I can't keep up with one of my own courses, I'll find a way to transfer my credits into one of your classes."

I purse my lips, averting my eyes. "Thank you, Light. That's very sweet of you."

His laugh startles me. "You've really changed, Kameko. Just a few days ago, you wouldn't have changed your mind no matter what. You would have said no, and that'd have been that."

Have I really changed all that much? My behavior has seemed to surprise Light and Mr. Yagami, but how could I change so much from memory loss. What has happened to me that I've forgotten that made me how I was before? I guess...memories make a person, don't they? But if that's the case, then who am I now? I don't have memories, so...am I anybody?

I gasp when I'm yanked to a stop by my hand. Light has grabbed my hand to keep me from wandering out into a red light. I nod a thanks and attempt to pull my hand away, but he tightens his grip with a small grin that could almost be called shy.

"It's pretty crowded today. It'd be better if you don't get lost from me, since you don't know how to find the university."

"Uh," my face heats up, "yeah." He doesn't release my hand the rest of the way to the college. The moment we walk through the front gates, all eyes are on us. Uneasy, I let go of his hand. "So, what class is first?"

"Today, I believe," he considers, "you have Japanese war history at eight."

"You have an amazing memory, recalling all of my classes from that one time."

"Well, even with both of us working on it, it took a while to rearrange your schedule," he admits. "We were obsessed with it for a few days."

In the classroom, I select a random seat towards the back while Light discusses the situation with the teacher. As he does, students gradually fill the room. One girl sits right in front of me, taking out a large textbook and notebook, clicking a pen and testing for ink. It's then I realize that I have no supplies.

"Excuse me, you're Nanami Seiichi, correct?"

She turns to face me, her eyes widening a bit when she sees me. "That's me."

"I'm sorry to ask this of you, but I've lost basically all of my materials for class. Could I maybe sit next to you and use yours?"

"Y-yeah, sure."

Standing, I round the row to sit with her. When she continues to look at me in disbelief, I confess, "I know I might be a little different from usual. I...I've got a bad case of amnesia at the moment. If I was strange before or anything, I'm sorry."

To herself, she mutters, "Amnesia?" Then, louder, "No, you weren't that weird or anything. It's just that you were really reserved. You never really talked to anyone ever. I see you haven't lost your affinity for remembering names, though."

"Alright, today we'll begin where we left off at page 370," the teacher announces, nodding for Light to join the class. He does so, taking the seat I'd originally chosen. "We'll be learning of the Kaga revolt in the year 1488. If you've learned of this before, suck it up and learn it again."

Nanami flips open her textbook to the page directed and slides it between the two of us. Her nose scrunches in disgust at the sight of the image on page 369. "Couldn't they just find a painting from the era instead of recreating the scene?"

"It isn't even a correct representation," I mutter to no one. As I scan over the photo, I find myself nitpicking details completely inaccurate. The building placement is off, as well as the hairstyles of the 'dead' being from a slightly later time period. And it looks as if there are only commoners dead, which certainly wasn't the case. Why do I know this?

"Did you say something?" Nanami inquires.

"Hm? Ah! No, it was nothing!" I dismiss. With that, we lapse back into the silence of listening. The disturbing this is, no matter what it is the teacher explains or what fine details the book expresses, all of the knowledge seems familiar to me.

I'm even correcting things in my mind that I recognize as wrong.

* * *

I like Kameko's and Sayu's relationship. Anyone else? I think it's kind of sisterly the way they interact with each other. So, we have a few more hints to Kameko's past sprinkled into this chapter. No one has made any guesses yet, I'm afraid to say. But hey, sometimes it is better to wait it out and just see where it goes. I could see some of you thinking like that. I should probably point out on a side note that if the prescript rant sounded like bragging, I seriously apologize. I'm just not the type to spill all of that in real life, and writing has always been a form of venting for me. Writing could very well be my drug. Or, I guess at this point it's turned into typing. Writing is a better word, though. Anyway, I'll post again next time I get the chance.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	4. Chapter 4

Have you guys heard **The Sound of Silence,** the remake by Disturbed? I don't always listen to them, but right now that's my all time favorite song. His voice is absolutely perfect for it! And my applause for the original songwriters, too. The lyrics are so much better than what most people write these days. Can you guys tell that I despise pop music? I swear, it's cancer. Of course there are exceptions. I love Kelly Clarkson and a some songs spotted here and there, but those are just exceptions. Pop usually makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I can stand basically any other genre of music (save for most of country), but pop is where I draw the line. Well, even if you're a fan of pop music, you should go listen to the song mentioned above. It's great. You'll love it.

Without further ado, onto the story!

* * *

"So this is where we worked?" I search for confirmation.

"Yeah, this is it," Light nods, presenting the room with the flourish of a hand. Really, it's nothing extraordinary. One wall houses a multitude of screens with a long desk situated before it, and behind a staircase there's a sitting area with couches. If there's anything amazing about the space, it's how tall it is. The stairs obviously lead to another floor, but the ceiling extends higher than the university classrooms' despite the floor above.

"It seems…" I search for a word. "Comfortable."

"L didn't want anything unnecessary in here," he laughs softly, scratching the back of his neck. L is apparently a touchy subject with him and his dad, so I suspect it to be the same among the other members of the team. It doesn't bother me, but I think it'd be best not to bring it up.

The rest of the investigation team is gathered on and around the couches, all eyes turning to us. I let out a long breath to relax my nervous tension, then bow.

"Please take care of me, gentlemen."

The youngest, Matsuda, clears his throat and hands me a paper file. "We, uh...lost all the data on the computers. Watari deleted all of it before Kira...killed him."

I ignore the fact I have no idea who Watari is and flip open the file. They must have stored most all of it in computer databases, because there's barely anything at all in this. That was not a clever move on their part. I guess I should have pushed them to back everything up in physical form, but there's no use regretting it now.

There's a description of everything they know about the Death Note, which irks me. Why do I know more about the Note beyond what they have here? Other than that, there's a tiny list of possible suspects with percentages next to the names that look to have been erased and changed numerous times. Slight surprise dawns over me when I find my own name on it, but next to it is a dark 0%. Under it, however, a strong 76% has been erased. Did they really think it was me? I mean, I'm on the team! My teeth also clench when my eyes skim over Light's name. The current number beside it is less than a single percent, but I can't even make out a single one of the erased numbers underneath because it's been changed so many times. The thickest list in the file turns out to be the list of known Kira victims. I stop breathing as I lift paper after paper to reveal tiny names filling each and every inch of the white. Just how many people has this person killed?

Or, is it a person? Could it possibly be a shinigami? They would surely have the ability to do this and elude human investigation at the same time. But I shouldn't even know about the existence of shinigami, so why would anyone suspect that? And what would drive an unobtrusive death god to go on a rampage?

"There's one more thing we didn't put in there," Matsuda informs me. I wait for him to enlighten me, but he hesitates. Seeing this, Aizawa picks up where he left off.

"I know it's hard to believe, but the thing that owned the Death Note was a shinigami."

"Shinigami?" So they did know about it? Then they could see it? But he said 'owned'. A shinigami can't lose possession over a Death Note unless they give it to another shinigami. They can only lend it to a human.

"I know it sounds ridiculous," Mr. Yagami sighs, crossing his arms and leaning back into the couch. "It's true, though. I promise, we aren't just insane. You saw it too, before losing your memory."

"But...you said 'owned'."

Light laughs, drawing all of our attentions. "You aren't even questioning the shinigami's existence? You were quick to accept it the first time, but that was after you saw it! You're amazing, Kameko."

My mouth can't close, words not forming. Well I...I just...I mean, I could see it when I first woke up. I already knew what it was, too. Losing my memory didn't take my ability to see it, I guess.

"I said owned," Aizawa explains, "because we can't find the shinigami. We're pretty certain she died."

She? Died? First of all, the shinigami I saw was _not_ a female. Second, a shinigami doesn't just die. There's no way a death god would simply allow its time to run out. It would use the life of humans to prolong it, like always. And there's no way- I take that back. Maybe this is purely a human line of thought, but shouldn't it be possible for a shinigami to get attached to their contractor? If not like a friend, then at least like a pet? And aren't there humans out there who would die for their animal?

"Who were...who was the person this L guy was zeroing in on before he died?" I demand, glancing between all their faces.

"We've already eliminated her as a possibility," Light says, taking the file from me. He slips out another list and hands it to me, pointing to one of the names. "Misa Amane. We suspected her of being a second Kira, but as I insisted she was innocent. There's a rule in the Death Note that removes her from the list."

"A rule in the Death Note that nullifies the possibility?" I whisper, dubious. That doesn't sound right. I swear there's nothing like that. My denial, although nagging, sends relief flooding through me. Finally, something I _don't_ know!

This thought causes me to pause, staring at the floor blankly. Finally? Did I really just think that? I can't remember _anything_! These little facts about the Death Notes and shinigamis have been a light in the darkness for me. And here I am wishing I knew _less_? I wish my memory would come back so I can know everything!

"Kameko?"

Matsuda's voice jolts me from my trance. I meet his eyes, apologizing. "Sorry, I just...I thought...I had figured something out. But if there's a rule in the Death Note like that….Could I possibly see it?"

"Ah, sure," Light steps forward. Approaching the desk, he takes from his pocket a small key and unlocks one of the drawers. When his hand retracts with the black book, every fiber of my being magnifies towards it. I want it in my hands. Now.

When he holds it out to me, it takes everything in my power not to snatch it from him. I open the cover. There, the rules are laid plain and simple in English. How convenient. As far as I know, shinigami can be heard speaking any language. Did they choose to write in English because of the popularity of it? If that was the case, they had full intentions of handing it over to a human.

"I don't see anything that would….as far as I'm aware, none of these rules could eliminate a suspect."

"Look in the back," Light directs me.

Sure enough, there are two more written on the back cover. One is about how if the owner fails to use the Death Note within a period of 13 days, they will die. The other speaks of death to all who have touched the Note if it is ever destroyed.

I was aware of neither of these rules.

But even so, they're listed, so they must be true. Who am I, a mere human, to reject the rules written there by, of all things, a god of death. "Alright, so then I assume we held the suspect for a period over thirteen days." I close the book and hand it back to Light, who in turn locks it away again.

"Oh!" He appears to remember something. "Kameko, this is yours." He picks up a long, black feather quill off the desk and holds it out to me. Immediately when my eyes land on the quill, a duller version of the attraction I felt towards the Death Note overtakes me. I pluck it away from him and examine it. I would call it a raven feather, but it seems a bit too long. What else could it be, though? "You weren't as attached to it as your gloves, but you loved carrying it around."

Yes, I love having it my hands. It gives me a sense of….is it nostalgia? Nostalgia or not, it feels familiar, which is a relief. What interests me, though, is that the tip is dipped in red ink, but I see no inkwell. With an inkwell or without, though, I don't particularly care. It is a possession of mine, which is something I dreadfully lack at the moment.

Although, I guess these clothes are technically my own, even if Mrs. Yagami did buy them with her money. I lost count of how many stores she and Sayu dragged me to last night. In the end, since I was terrified of the clothes passing through me, I only allowed them to buy things made of the same materials I woke up wearing. For the only two days I can remember, I wore a wool shirt and cotton pants, so now the entire wardrobe they were kind enough to formulate for me consists only of cotton, wool, and real leather. At some point I will have to privately test exactly what I can and cannot touch. For now, I'm going to stick with what I know is safe. I'm assuming that since I liked this quill so much, that I can probably touch it without my gloves. I just don't want to test that theory right now in front of everyone.

"So,um…." I wonder, glancing between them all. "Is there a specific point you want to pick up on? Is...well, if the previous leader is gone, then...who…?"

"We had wanted that to be you," Aizawa informs me, "until you lost your memory."

"I'll take his place!" Light declares abruptly. "I'll take lead of the investigations and avenge Watari and Ryuzaki! Kira will pay for murdering them!"

"Um….who is Ryuzaki?" Once again, my question lands all eyes on me. I shrink under their gazes, uneasy.

Light, however, is kind enough to explain. "Ryuzaki...and L are the same person. They were both aliases he used, and we never learned his real name."

"Really? You never knew his name?"

"He knew it'd be safer, but even that didn't help him in the end."

Ah, I wanted to avoid this topic. This was not what I wanted to make the atmosphere like. Should I change the subject? To what? I could ask another question, but nothing floats to the surface of my mind. Right now, I'm still curious about this unnamed, yet mutli named figure.

"Oh, there's a picture!" Matsuda recalls, slipping the file from my hands and pulling out a small square. I take it from him.

Shivers zip through my skin as I meet the photograph's gaze. Staring back at me are large, black eyes shadowed by dark bags. His hair matches his eye color, disheveled as if it hasn't seen a brush in months. His skin is so pale, it rivals the spotless shirt he wears.

Something inside of me squeezes.

"He looks young," I mention casually, noticing as I do that my fingers are clenching the picture too hard. I relax the muscles, then force the shaking to stop. Who is this person? Why does my body react like this to just a picture?

"Yes, we all thought the same," Mr. Yagami nods. "Except for you. I don't think you ever questioned it."

"Well, I'm not much younger," I assume. I still lack the knowledge of my exact age, but I know I'm older than Light, and the person in this picture seems to be around my age physically. Although, he looks incredibly skinny, which might give him an appearance younger than he actually is.

"So?"

I look over at Light, blinking. "So what?"

"Do you remember anything? I was thinking that maybe seeing his picture might help you remember something."

"No," I murmur. "Nothing in particular." But even so, I can barely breathe. I turn the photograph downwards, giving it back over to Matsuda. He sticks it back in the file, but still, I don't recover. The moment the others distract themselves with chatter, I suck in as deep a breath as I can and close my eyes to focus on releasing tension. Within a few seconds, I'm back to normal. When I open the eyes though, I discover I haven't escaped Light's attention. He holds my gaze for only a short while before returning to his conversation with his father.

I take a seat next to Mogi on the couch, crossing my legs and arms and staring absently at the table in front of me. So, so many questions battle in my brain with no answers. Who is this L? What was he to me? Who was I before that I came to be involved in this investigation in the first place? Why?

Why can't I remember any of it?

* * *

Business has been extremely slow lately...Seriously, did everyone just go on vacation or something? If I don't hear from you guys, I get horribly discouraged. Please, talk to me! I'm lonely! I got such a promising reaction when I posted the first chapter, too...I kinda got my hopes up. Ah, I hate it when this happens. Sorry for complaining, but really. I don't care what you say. You can criticize or just rant or praise or complain. I like hearing whatever you guys have to say. Well, I shouldn't be pushing you guys like this. Forget I said anything. (Please don't.) I'll post again in the next few days.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko. :3 MEOW!


	5. Chapter 5

The end of school is approaching and my free time has been expanding. Which is perfect, of course. I'm one of those people who absolutely loves to not have to do anything. Homework has begun dwindling, swim is almost over, and soon school will be out. Yeah, finals are coming up and all, but I find myself highly unconcerned when it comes to things like that. I've always done just fine without stressing over it, so why bother? All it would do is stress me out. I have a friend (who should really take a break and read this) who completely freaks out over these tiny things. Okay, not so tiny, I know. But seriously, she needs to relax a little. Her grades are superb, all the teachers love her, and so do all the students. Getting a 93 on a test is not something to lament at all. She just needs to take a break and let her head cool a little, you know? **Finals are not** **the end of the world**.

I would be immensely pleased if my writing is providing that much needed break to any of you guys. :)

* * *

I skip the shower that night, picking up a book off of Sayu's bed and reading it in the light of the moon until she falls asleep. The title reads Snow Country, and indeed it is an accurate description of where it seems to be taking place. The character of Shimamura strikes me as interesting. He's just so detached from the reality of other people. He himself barely manages to pass as human, with that sort of attitude.

When the noise in the rest of the house ceases, I gently close the book. Setting it aside, I stretch my arms far above my head. Then, I hold my hands before me. The moonlight from the windows provides just enough light to see by, illuminating softly the black leather of my gloves.

Gnawing on the inside of my cheek, I peel off the right glove. There's absolutely nothing unusual about my hand. The nails are finely manicured, the skin without blemish. There's not even a difference in skin tone from the rest of my body. Just seeing it, no one would be suspicious.

Laying the glove in my lap, I reach for the book again. I wince when my fingers pass through the cover, then startle when they hit the first page. I attempt to open the book, but find I have to open it from the inside. Picking it up with my gloved left hand, I turn the pages with my right.

Deciding I've gathered the knowledge needed from it, I push Snow Country aside and try touching the carpet. My entire hand disappears into it. Shaking off the crawling creeping through my skin, I reach for the quill resting beside my bed. My fingers close around it and I find it firm. The corners of my mouth twitching upwards, I set it back down to pull on my boots and glove. Slowly, I twist the doorknob so it doesn't make a sound and slide out into the hallway.

As I make my way down the stairs, I feel a slight urge to remove my boots so they don't make even the muted tapping they produce on the wood. Even with as quiet as it is, it makes me paranoid that it'll awaken someone.

The darkness proves not to be a hindrance to me as I make my way to the kitchen. Once again, I remove my glove. My hand goes directly through the fridge door. Retracting it hastily, I open the fridge with my still gloved hand. Light seeps out from within, a chill following in suit. I find I can't touch any of the interior, either. Fruits are firm in my hand, as well as vegetables. My hand passes through the plastic around the meat, but squishes against the raw red.

I sigh, wiping my hand on my cotton pajama bottoms before replacing my glove in its proper place. I seem to be able to touch food, so why did I only eat fruits and vegetables? Why not meat, or pasta? Although, I guess I've only tried things in the fridge. The pantry remains uncharted territory.

I close the fridge without a sound and pull open the pantry door. For the final time, I tuck the single glove in my other hand and reach forward. I touch nothing but air. Boxes, dried goods, hard noodles, none of them. Not even the meat, the jerky, on the first shelf. Leaving the pantry as it had been, I run my fingertips across the counter of granite. Its cold hard surface reassures me of my existence. Really, it feels like I'm nothing more than a ghost when I pass through ordinary objects. When I go to tap the light switch, just to test to see if I can turn it on, I let my hand fall in disappointment.

So let's see. I can't touch carpet, or tile, or plastic. Any sort of preserved foods prove a challenge, which my limited diet is probably credited to. I can touch fresh foods, though, as well as water. I can also touch paper, which probably mean wood is alright. The primary thing that those things have, that the things I can't touch also lack, is how natural they are. Am I to assume I can only touch things as long as they are mostly a natural material? Tile is made from clay, but perhaps the firing process takes away my ability to touch it. So, the more processed something is, the less likely I'll be able to touch it, I guess.

What is there out there that can touch natural things, but nothing else? As far as I know, there's nothing like that in folklore. Nothing that I've heard of, anyway. I've heard of ghosts being able to move things, but they can move man made objects, and also people can't usually see them. I've been visible to everyone I've seen, and I do not desire otherwise. The simple fact that people can see me is comforting. What a strange thing to find comforting.

Finished with my exploration, I venture back up the stairs. What do I do for the rest of the night? I don't want to simply lay there staring at the ceiling again. Two nights was plenty enough of that. Should I finish that book? That'll probably take at least a few more hours, if I take my sweet time. Yeah, I'll do that.

"...little late?"

I freeze. It's the shinigami.

"There's no reason for me to get up tomorrow." Is that Light? He's talking with the shinigami? I step a bit closer to the closed door, ceasing to breathe so I can pick up their whispers. "With L gone, I don't have to be nearly as cautious as before. I might as well rest easy. Ruling the new world is hard to do when I'm stressed out."

"And?" the shinigami asks. "What about that girl?"

"Kameko? She poses only a minor threat until she regains her memories."

Me? A threat? He couldn't possibly...Light couldn't be Kira! He's been so kind to me this entire time. And if he was, why would I, of all people, be a threat?

"What makes you think she'll tell? She never said anything before."

"I can't read her, Ryuk. At least, I couldn't. She was more unpredictable than L. But she definitely knew about me, and kept pointing me out to L subtly. Why do you think he never wrote me off as a suspect, even after my innocence was proven?"

I shudder when the shinigami laughs. "So, what're you going to do about it? You've tried writing her name down before. You know it doesn't work."

I have to support myself on the wall to prevent my legs from giving out. He wrote down my name? So he really is Kira? And I already _knew_? Why did I not come forward with it? Did I not have proof? But surely I could have gotten him locked away!

And why didn't writing down my name work?

"For now, she should prove useful. All of the team respects her and her decisions, so all I have to do is take advantage of her lack of knowledge to influence her, thereby controlling the entire investigation. Her memory loss was extremely convenient for me, actually. Fate must be smiling on me. If she recalls herself, then I have the chance to figure out her real name. If I need her gone immediately, I can always frame her as a Kira."

My….real name? Then I don't even know...my name? Is Kameko….does Kameko exist? Who am I? Who am I really?

Hands clenching my head, I rush back to Sayu's room as quickly as my feet can carry me without making any sound. What is this? Light is Kira? And...and...I knew about it? Who was I before I lost my memory? Why do I not even know my own name, of all things? Was it for protection? But L did the same, and Kira got to him anyway. Well, if I did it for my own safety, I can't imagine I could be much safer than I am now. I mean, not even I know what name I was given.

A guttural chuckle erupts from my throat before I can stop it as I shake my head. I'm safe. _Safe_. And yet, I know absolutely nothing. Nothing about what I'm in the middle of, or who I am. As _safe_ as I am, I feel like screaming. Screaming until my throat becomes raw, and I pass out from lack of breath. Why did this have to happen to me?

Laying down on the tatami mat, I don't bother to remove my boots. Did I incur the wrath of some greater power? What did I do to deserve this hell?

Back to what I _can_ control, should I tell them I've discovered he's Kira? That would probably end this chase they're all so desperate to win. They're running blindly, without knowing where the finish line is, and Light is reasoning them down the exact wrong paths. I should step in and shove them in the right direction...right?

But he said I knew before I lost my memories. Clearly, I kept that fact to myself, but why? I must have had a good reason, right? If I hadn't had a reason I saw as legitimate, I would have spoken up. So, does that reason still apply now? I have no way of knowing, but if it does, I should stay silent. But…

Growling to myself, I cross my arms in frustration. Maybe it would be best if I step back and play the role of observer. If I stay out of his business, Kira should leave me alone. I can't very well quit the team, though. Mr. Yagami is the one providing the roof over my head, after all. If I lost this place, I'd be wandering aimlessly without so much as a parent, sibling, or friend to call.

Should I research myself? But how would I do that without my name? Kameko Suzuki. Would there be any records of me under that alias? Surely I wouldn't leave any traces to my real name from that one, being involved with the investigation and all. Light has probably already dug through the internet for information on me, and he evidently has not found anything significant to help him.

Then...is that all I can do? Let him continue his serial killings while I watch him pull the strings? I really wish that head investigator was still alive. Apparently, we worked together pretty closely. He'd be able to fill me in on a lot, as well as help me sort my thoughts.

As the thought crosses my head, my chest tightens and begins to sting. Again with this reaction. Even if I don't remember, by body obviously remembers something. Whatever the cause is, it hurts! I clench the the cloth above my chest, breathing in and out shakily. Was that guy an enemy of mine? What I feel….I think it's something along the lines of fright. Did he terrify me that much, then? The other investigators don't act like he was a bad person, though. If anything, they seem to hold for him the same kind of admiration they seemed to have held for me. But if he wasn't a monster, then why does the thought of him provoke me so much?

Curling into a ball, I pull up the covers to under my chin and do my best to calm down. I wish I could sleep. It would be so nice to just drift away from the world for a while, perhaps visit another. To give my mind a much needed break after all this chaos. The idea sounds like absolute heaven at the moment. But for some reason, it's beyond my reach.

* * *

It's hard to imagine what life would be like without sleep. I personally have a great love for sleep. And for lazing in bed for hours in the morning, even after I've woken up. A quiet bedroom is just so peaceful. It makes me hesitant to leave it in favor for the noisiness of an entire household. I could very well be addicted to that feeling where you're in between awake and asleep. You know, that time when you're aware you're awake, but you're not really there, so you roll over and keep lying there for who knows how long. It's unfortunate I don't get that time in the morning on weekdays. I can't wait for Saturday, now.

Till then (or possibly sooner), Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	6. Chapter 6

I swear, yesterday I knew exactly what I wanted to talk to you guys about, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was! GAH! I hate it when this happens! It feels like it's on the tip of my tongue, but the ticking of this clock sitting next to the computer is not helping at all! Why does there even need to be a clock next to a computer anyway? How does that make any sense? Well, I guess the good news is that sim is finally over. Never again will I put myself through that torture. My life is going to be so much easier. Honestly, I do like to swim. I love being in water, and the feeling of weightlessness. It's just the exertion part I don't like. If you can't tell, I'm not one for exercise. I'm a writer, not an athlete. There's a saying I think fits this situation perfectly. Don't judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree.

With that, I am done. While you guys read, I'm going to keep trying to remember what I originally wanted to say.

* * *

"Thank you for letting me use your books, Nanami," I thank, flipping open the book to the chapter concerning the Kaga rebellion. With my other hand, I use my feather quill to scrawl down notes in a notebook she's so kindly lent to me. She shakes her head, setting down her spoon and smiling at me from across the table.

"It's fine," she assures me. "You don't even take them home. I don't know how you do it, staying at the top of the class when you don't study."

"I'm just familiar with the material," I shrug off. I must have been a scholar on it before, because I'm well versed in specifics the book doesn't so much as bother to scratch the surface of. For the past few lunches, I've borrowed her study materials. Not because I'm worried about falling behind, but because I'm eager to find facts I don't already know. I want there to be something that I can't refute, and wasn't aware of. I want there to be something that'll assure me I'm an ordinary student.

A tray is set down beside me. "Your previous lessons must have stuck with you," Light concludes, sitting himself down. "Isn't that great? You remember something, at least."

"Uhuh…" I mutter in response. He looks genuinely happy for me. How can that smile be a lie? I just don't see it. It must be, though, it has to be. I doubt I've ever met such a convincing actor. Nanami tries her best not to gape, but still, she stares at Light wide-eyed.

"Ah, I'm Light Yagami," he extends his hand. "My family is taking care of Kameko at the moment. It's nice to meet you."

"N-Nanami Seiichi," she stammers, shaking his hand. "By taking care of, do you mean she _lives_ with you?"

"Well, yes, but when you put it that way…" He scratches the back of his neck, and I swear his face has been tinted pink. Yes, he's an extremely talented actor.

"Please don't think of it that way," I correct her crisply, turning the page of the textbook. "I sleep in his sister's room. I'm simply staying there because we are coworkers, and I'm afraid I've forgotten where I was staying before I got amnesia."

"No! I didn't….I didn't mean to imply-"

"Don't worry about it," Light grins. Her mouth snaps shut, her cheeks flushing red. I wonder what she'd think if she knew he was the most dangerous serial killer in the world who's murdered hundreds, maybe even thousands at this point. Surely she wouldn't be blushing anymore. "And Kameko."

"Yes?"

"You've started to sound like your old self again."

I blink. "H-Have I?

"Yeah. You used to have this frigid way of talking, like you just didn't want to be around anyone. You were never that way around Ryuzaki, though. You always talked to him as if you were equals."

"I did?" Ryuzaki is that L character, correct? My fingers flex under the table in an attempt not to become a fist of tension, but it doesn't work.

"He's right," Nanami adds. "You usually didn't say much, but when you did, you sounded like you just wanted everyone to shut up."

"I-I'm sorry, I'm sure I didn't mean to offend you," I apologize. Was I really like that? My reply just now was said a bit coldly, I'll admit, but that's because I was thinking about Light being Kira. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists. It isn't the same way it does when I think about L. I'm not entirely sure what that feeling is, but this one is like a sickness. The thought of housing with Kira strikes me as disgusting.

"Don't worry about it, you're much nicer now," she guarantees. She leans over her dish of curry, eyeing the book in front of me. "So what part have you got to?"

"Oh!" I return my full attention to the page before me, my gaze landing on one of the sidenotes. "It's a snippet about seppuku."

She grimaces, sitting back down. "That part is so gross. It's not like we need to know exactly how it kills the person."

"I feel sorry for the samurai who committed it," Light voices. "Why does it make sense for them to take their own lives for someone else? Even if that person is their daimyo, or the emperor, it just doesn't seem fair."

"I get what you mean," Nanami nods.

I turn the page, skimming. "I guess so."

"Hmph."

I glance up at Nanami, who stares at me with her chin in her hand. "What?"

"It doesn't seem to bother you at all. No matter what kind of deaths we cover in class, the reasons and methods never seem to get to you. How do you manage to detach yourself so much?"

"I…" I gape. "I...it's just….should it bother me?"

"Most sensible people would be disturbed, yeah," she confirms.

"Kameko just has a strong stomach," Light laughs, leaning on the table and facing me. I find it hard to not distort my face in revulsion, but somehow I keep a straight expression.

"Light!"

A perky looking blonde with two small pigtails around her long, straight hair embraces Light from behind. Her flowing black dress flies forward, enveloping them both for half a second before being pulled back down by gravity. Light turns slightly to face her.

"Misa? What're you doing here?"

"I haven't seen you for the past few days," she pouts. "Where have you been? When I visited your workplace yesterday, they said you were escorting Kameko around." With the mention of my name, she sends a glare containing daggers in my direction.

"Hi….uh, Misa," I greet her. Did I know her before, too? Who is she?

"What were you doing with Light? Are you trying to steal him away from me?"

"Misa, let me explain," Light calms her. "Kameko lost her memories after L's death. I called you to tell you about... it, and that she passed out, remember? My family is taking care of her until she recovers."

"Is that so?" She narrows her eyes, suspicious.

"It's so," I emphasize. Misa...Misa Amane. She was on the list of suspected Kiras. I wasn't aware she knew Light. Not only that, but she appears to be his girlfriend.

Wait.

I look down at the book, not really seeing the text. Both Light and her were suspects, and both of them had high percentages beside their names. Of course, they were both later erased and replaced with much lower percentages, but neither of their ranks ever reached the zero that was drawn by my own name. And I've confirmed that Ryuzaki wasn't wrong about keeping suspicions about Light alive, so does that mean….could she be helping Light somehow? What if she's another Kira? They never directly told me, but from what I've gathered it seems like there were multiple Kiras shrouding the original. Could she be one of them? Then that means she has a Death Note?

My skin prickles as a terrible thought crosses my mind. What if she made the deal with her shinigami? What if she has the eyes? Wouldn't she be able to see my name, my real one, right now? Can't she simply just give that to Light, or write it down herself?

I stand abruptly, gaining all three of their attentions. "I'm done. Thank you for lending me this, Nanami."

"Sure, it-" I'm gone before she can finish her sentence. Neither Light nor Misa follow me, leaving me alone when I exit the cafeteria. What do I do? What _can_ I do? Light obviously doesn't have the eyes, or he would have written my real name a long time ago. But if Misa has them, then...is there any way to save myself?

But maybe Light won't kill me. He himself did say I could be useful. He said he could use me. So do I pretend to be oblivious, play his pawn? If I do that, he might put off getting rid of me for now.

"Kukuku."

My feet stop. "Ryuk."

"So you remember my name, do you?" he chuckles. I pivot to face the floating shinigami, flinching back when I'm meet with his gruesome, laughing expression.

"I heard you be called it," I correct him. "So we knew each other before? We would have had to, for me to 'remember' your name."

He pauses. "...So you didn't remember. When did you hear my name?"

"Not telling. What do you want with me?"

"Entertainment," he grins, his large wings splayed wide. "As an observer, I find you interesting. You've begun to interact with the players in this game. I wonder, how will you change it?"

"You imply that I didn't interfere before."

"Oops."

"For the moment, I have no plans to change anything. So what do you say?" I tilt my head to the side, meeting his glowing red eyes. "Why don't you share some information with a fellow neutral? You can see my name, can't you? Can't you at least tell me what it is? I'm not asking for the date of my death."

"So you do remember things," he states.

"About the nature of shinigamis and Death Notes," I nod. "Yes, I recall it with surprising clarity. Everything else, I'm afraid, I'm still in the dark about. If you like, I could do something for you in return."

His eyes reflect the light of the empty hallway, his movement hinting at intrigue. "Would you get me an apple? From this human world?"

And apple? "I'm sure it would be no trouble to get my hands on a few."

"Perfect," he chortles. "Then I'll tell you one thing, since I don't think it'll make much of a difference. I can't see your name. It's not above your head, and neither is the date of your death."

"What?"

"Now that I've told you, I expect apples. Any time within the next few days is fine for getting them to me."

"But what do you mean you can't see my name?" I ask, unease settling heavy in the pit of my stomach like a stone. "You're a shinigami! You can see everyone's name!"

"I don't feel like explaining," he waves me off.

"But a shinigami can see any human's-" I catch myself, realizing my own words. Humans. A shinigami can see any _human_ name and death date. "I….I'm not…does that mean I'm really not a human after all?"

"So you finally figured it out, have you?" he jeers. "Congratulations."

"Then what am I?" I plead, my voice wobbling. "Please...if….if I'm not...human….then what am I?"

"I find it interesting that you no longer know, so I'm in no rush for you to discover it so fast."

"But if I'm not...human...I can't be a shinigami, either! They can all see me!"

He only laughs.

* * *

She really wanted to be human, I think. The idea of being something else scares her. Even though the possibility of her being human seemed so low at this point, being told it seems to have come as a bit of a shock to her. Poor girl…she has no idea what's in store for her. What do you guys think? How's she been handling everything so far? I feel kinda like she's grasping at straws, just trying to get through one thing after the next. I almost want to meet her and just say, 'Look, here's what happened, here's what's going to happen. This is the reason for all of this, okay?' But no can do. Unfortunately, we don't live in the same universe. She's going to have to figure it out all on her own, all in due time.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	7. Chapter 7

Have any of you guys watched that anime Dimension W? It think it's pretty new, taking into consideration the animation and the fact that it's airing on Toonami right now. If you haven't heard of it, I invite you to go check it out! It's super cool! I rarely watch the opening and closing sequences more than once, but for this one I watch them through every time! The idea is it's a world where another dimension other than X Y and Z has been discovered, dimension W. They've discovered a way to harness the energy from that dimension into an unlimited source. However, when the coils, which are what harness the energy, malfunction, everything gets pretty messed up. Anyway, robots, action, awesome storyline, go watch it. I'm going to be so disappointed when I watch the last episode and it's over.

Back to Death Note. Enjoy.

* * *

"Why do you want to go shopping with me?" I wonder, baffled by Nanami's request. As soon as the lecture ended, she asked if I wanted to accompany her. Before that, today she'd only spoken when I asked about supplies. "We've only interacted for a few days. I think it's been four, now, since we started talking."

"Because," she explains, "I need a little girl time, and my friend Rui is out of town. And that means you aren't invited, Light." She glances behind us to where he sits. "I don't care that you're keeping an eye on her while she has amnesia. Girl time means no boys."

"I don't know," I scratch the back of my neck. Should I go with her? I'm sure she means no harm, but there's so much I'm already stuck in the middle of. Light is Kira, I'm staying with him, I know nothing about my background or my name, and I can't touch things because I'm not human. I don't even know what I am. Is this really the time to go with her shopping?

She grabs my arm, giving me a pleading look. "You have to! I need _someone_ to talk to! Won't you listen?"

"I thought you wanted to go shopping."

"The point is that you listen to me blabber while we scan through racks! Haven't you ever been shopping before?"

I recall Sayu and Mrs. Yagami dragging me from one store to the next. "I have." She continues to stare at me, waiting for my reply. I shift my gaze over to Light nervously. Apparently the investigation team is arranging for L's, or Ryuzaki's funeral tonight, and they wanted me to join them. Perhaps this would be a better option, since I can't even remember the person who's having the funeral. Without memories, I don't really have the right to be helping pick out the flowers, or finding the place.

"I don't see why you shouldn't go," Light shrugs, shutting his green notebook. "You were hesitant to be there tonight, anyway."

"Oh," Nanami blinks. "Did you already have plans?"

"It's nothing," I dismiss, standing. "I'll come with you, since you asked."

She lets out a long breath, then throws her stuff in her bag and stands as well. "We'll be on our way then. Don't worry about her, Light. I'll make sure she returns safely."

She walks a step ahead of me, leading me, but staying close enough to talk. Her mostly one sided conversations revolve around whatever first comes to her mind, apparently. She goes on about the clouded sky, and the birds flying over us, as well as the types of cars that drive past us. I'm rarely prompted to respond.

Eventually, she takes me into a clothing store and begins digging through the racks. As she does so, she finally discloses her purpose. "I actually wanted to go shopping to cheer myself up. You see...I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I really liked him. He was always really kind to me, always bought me presents on special occasions, and he always had my best interests at heart. He just started getting too...clingy though. He'd call me just to know where I was at, and he'd always ask if I was with any guys….I warned him to stop, but he kept insisting he was just worried. Yesterday he actually came and found me because he heard a guy's voice in the background while we were on the phone. My brother had a friend over, and I had went with them to the amusement park. He recognized my brother, but when he saw the friend he got violent. He broke the poor kid's nose. I mean, yeah, my brother's friend isn't all that bad to look at, but I would never dream of dating a person younger than me. Osomu flipped out anyway. When we took the kid to the hospital I told him it was over. You should have seen the look in his eyes. You would have thought I'd told him his puppy died. Still, I left him outside the hospital and that was that. I did the right thing, right? I can't handle such an overprotective guy. But...I didn't do anything bad, I think. Break ups like this happen all the time. We'll both eventually find someone else and get over it...right?"

Her hands drop from the clothes, her eyes glistening with moisture. Something about her expression sucks the words from my mouth, and I find myself captivated. Her lips wobble just the tiniest bit, her breathing labored. Her shoulders have hunched and her head droops as if heavy. A piece of her light brown hair falls in her eyes, but she makes no move to push it away. Instead, her entire body quakes as a broken sob escapes her trembling lips.

What is it? I'm unfamiliar with this, whatever it is. There is no hint of nostalgia, no knowledge of any sort in my head pertaining to this. Why are there drops of water forming in her eyes? Why is she shaking? And what is it about this expression, this action, this emotion, that I find to be so….beautiful.

Blinking the strangeness welling up within me away, I force myself to continue with the conversation. "How long...were you two together?"

Sniffling, she wipes her wet cheek with the back of her hand. "L-last month was our….first year a-anniversary." _Sniff._ "H-he brought me t-too the aquarium, and then gave me a c-cake he baked for me. And this was my p-present." She holds up her hand for me to see a delicate gold bracelet, designed to look as if it were made of vines, weaving around her wrist.

"It's very pretty," I comment, trying to ignore my fascination with the water trickling down her face.

"S-sorry," she apologizes, wiping the last of the water from her eyes and giving a small laugh. "I got a little emotional there. I usually don't cry very much."

So she was crying. I touch the skin under my eye, curious. I wonder if I can cry. I have a human appearance, so might I be able to mimic that behavior as well?

"If I may voice my opinion," I tell her, lowering my hand, "to answer your earlier question, I don't think you did anything wrong. If he was making you uncomfortable, you don't have to stay around him."

"You think?"

"I wouldn't say it if I thought otherwise."

"Heh, you're so different from Rui. She would have told me to go make a scene in his workplace or something, get him fired in revenge. Or she would have done it herself."

"That," my eyes widen in surprise, "doesn't seem very logical."

"Yeah, it's more emotional." Nanami pats my shoulder, smiling wider. It looks a little pitiful when her eyes are still red from crying. "That's something you seem pretty new to. Thanks for listening to me, though. I know I run my mouth sometimes. And I didn't mean to cry in front of you or anything. That just sort of happened, so sorry about that."

"It was no trouble," I shake my head honestly.

"While we're out here," she continues, "we might as well do some actual shopping. I'm not a huge fan of this store, but there's one nearby here I absolutely adore. I'm sure there'll be something to match that hat of yours, too."

Again just barely behind her so she can lead the way, we exit the building. I pull the cotton hat further over my head and stuff a bit of my hair that has escaped into it. When we come to a stoplight, she lifts her head to look at the sky.

"It's getting seriously dark. I hope it doesn't rain on us, 'cause I didn't bring my umbrella. You?"

"I don't have one."

"That's right, I forgot. You're living off the Yagamis, so you wouldn't have one, would you?" People shuffle around us, waiting for the signal telling us it's safe to walk. A few are on their phones, and a high school student rocks back and forth from her toes to her heels impatiently. One man, an older gentleman, reads a book to my left, adjusting his glasses every few seconds. I stand as still as I can, as not to get too far separated from Nanami.

Then the signal appears and the crowd starts to move, the clouds deciding to open up at the same time. The man walking beside me curses as he snaps his book shut, which has already been damaged by the sudden rain. As we cross the intersection, Nanami and I are slowly jostled apart. I weasel my way nearer to her as she begins to shove to get back to me. When our eyes meet, she grins and reaches out her hand.

"That was close. It'd be bad if we were to lose each other in the middle of all of this."

I reach for her hand, which is outstretched over multiple other civilians, but pause. There's a man coming from the opposite direction, and he seems to be coming straight towards me. I watch him and he wedges between people to come closer. His face is covered with a black hoodie, so I can't identify who he is, but the closer he comes the more convinced I am that I am his target.

"Gah!" Nanami slips tumbling between the two people in front of me, finally back at my side. "Maybe we should hold hands or something, or we might get separated again."

I nod, still preoccupied with the man. Who is it? It can't be Light, or anyone from the investigation team. What reason would they have to be coming after me? At least how I am now, with a blank memory, I don't know who it is. Perhaps I'm wrong, though. Why would he come after me?

No, stupid question. Of all the people around me, I probably have the most reasons to be sought after. I'm part of Kira's investigation team, I'm apparently not human, and who knows what else there is that I've forgotten.

But then again, who would know that? I must be wrong. I must just be reading too much into it. There's no way he's after me. Is this what's called being paranoid?

"Come on!" Nanami grabs my hand. "If you don't pick up the pace, we'll be stuck on the street when the light turns."

"Oh! Sorry!" I stumble over my feet to match her speed. Puddles splash, soaking my already sopping pant legs. Umbrellas pop up all around us, protecting from the grey downpour the lucky folks who considered the weather. I pay attention to them, ignoring the guy in the hoodie as he draws nearer. At least, I try to ignore him. I can't help but watch him out of the corner of my eye. I hold my breath as he passes, head down, hands in pocket.

And nothing happens.

At least until he swiftly draws out his hand and Nanami stops abruptly. Her hand releases mine, falling limply to her side as I catch the glint of metal reflecting off of something in the man's hand. For a moment, I'm frozen. Then Nanami begins to slump.

Before her knees can even hit the pavement, I've yanked back the man by his hood and forced him to the pavement. He thrashes while I struggle to pin him beneath me, his hand swinging at my head. I avoid the first fist, but the next connects with my face.

Except it wasn't meant to be a punch. His knuckles crack when they unexpectedly collide with my chin, his fingers releasing the knife that passes through my head without resistance. Under the shadow of his hood, I can see his eyes widen in shock while I finally get ahold of his hands to pin them down.

A woman screams, and immediately a circle forms around the three of us. Onlookers whip out their phones, contacting others frantically, while a few just stand in either confusion or horror. The man beneath me has stopped moving, limbs stiff as he gapes up at me.

I don't pay attention to any of them, though. Through my curtain of wet hair, my eyes lock on Nanami. I had seen her start to fall, but I'd missed it when she hit the ground. And now she lies face down, motionless.

The rain drizzles down on the still body without care.

* * *

Before you give me a ton of crap for this, I was at a huge writer's block before I wrote this. I had no idea what should come next, so I asked around and looked up what to do to get out of a writer's block. A friend of mine said to kill someone off, and I believe one site said to drop an anvil on someone. So I swear, I'm not entirely to blame for her death. Honestly, when I invented Nanami, she was supposed to be some insignificant background character. I guess this is what's called character evolution. Sometimes characters evolve as they're written, without the author meaning them to. I personally love it when that happens. But...if you guys are going to come after me with pitchforks and torches, I think I'll go hide in my little hidey hole until you settle down. But I hope I won't have to. I mean, I've killed off characters a lot bigger than her before. I anticipate your reactions (ready to run for it).

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	8. Chapter 8

I have two things I want to say. First, about the comment issues. For the past few days they haven't shown up, but today they finally did, so I now have those comments you all so kindly posted. So hopefully there won't be anymore trouble with that. Second, apparently there was some confusion about the last chapter. Honestly, that was kind of the point. When it all went down, Kameko didn't exactly understand what she saw either, so in effect as the readers you shouldn't. But now I'll explain that the attacker was aiming for Nanami (you'll figure out why reading), not Kameko, and that he cut her with his knife. My theory is that he slit his throat, but there are a couple other things he could have done. I hope this clarifies what is needed.

Please continue on with what you came to do.

* * *

One of the lightbulbs flickers before stabilizing again, disturbing the unreal serenity of the room. The chair I sit on is hard and uncomfortable, but I'm too nervous to stand. Everyone who's come in here so far has had judging eyes, analyzing my every move. I wring my hands as I wait.

The first person to have entered was a woman. Her cropped black hair had been swept out of her eyes, which had examined me with tense suspicion. After sitting down across from me, the first words out of her mouth had been, "Who are you?"

Since I'm still unsure about my identity, I had responded, "Who are _you_?"

"My name is Haruka Asobo," she'd said. "What about you?"

"I go by Kameko Suzuki," I answered honestly.

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Suzuki. I've come to ask you about Ms. Nanami Seiichi. What exactly happened?"

Once I'd finished with the story of our shopping trip, I'd muttered, "She's dead."

"Indeed she is," Haruka had asserted, writing something as she spoke. "Did someone check the body for you? I can't imagine you were able to search for a pulse while holding down the perpetrator."

"No, I just knew. She died soon after she fell down."

"I see. And did you know the guy who killed her?"

"I didn't," I'd shaken my head, "but it was Osomu, wasn't it? Her boyfriend?"

"It was. He confessed to it immediately after being brought in, yelling at the same time that you were a monster. When we asked about Nanami, he told us she was his to deal with as he wished, and we had no right to interfere. Do you know why he said this?"

"I was told that he was acting possessive," I'd admitted. The part about be being a monster...I act as if I don't care, but it makes my hands tighten in my lap. "When can I leave here? I would like to go back home now, if I could."

She'd eyed me as if I were an alien. "You seem pretty calm."

"Um...is that a bad thing? Mrs. Asobo, could you please contact the Yagami family? Mr. Soichiro Yagami works to find Kira, so surely there's some way for the police to get ahold of him." I leave out any mention of Light. I don't want them to contact him, because he would undoubtedly work my situation to put me at a disadvantage to him. Mr. Yagami is a much safer option.

"I shall see about it," she'd consented, standing. "Have a good day, Ms. Suzuki."

After that, four men had come in one at a time to ask me similar questions. Each one had me recap the events leading up to and after her death. Every single time, I retold my story word for word. Every single time, I asked for Mr. Yagami to be contacted. If I knew his number, I'd ask for a phone, but I don't know it.

It's been about an hour since the last man interrogated me. The entire time since, I haven't moved from my seat. What do they want from me? It's obvious they suspect me of something, but how many more people are they going to send in here to get the same exact story?

My breath catches when the door knob twists. When I catch sight of the face, though, I release it all at once.

"Mr. Yagami!"

"They told me about your friend," he tells me apologetically. "What happened to her is really too bad."

"My….friend?" Is that what she had been? I know what friends are, but...having one seems….foreign. She was my friend? So did I just watch my...friend...die?

I gasp when a sudden ache blooms in my chest, grasping at the front of my shirt. This again? It's the same feeling as whenever I think about-

Ryuzaki.

My throat constricts and I collapse to my knees, trying to suck in breath to no avail. My chest acts as if it's trying to stab itself, at the same time compressing inwards painfully hard. Mr. Yagami is at my side in seconds, but his worried voice comes to my ears muted and undecipherable.

Black swims into my vision as I choke. The world dims, sight and sound alike, until I'm plunged into an empty void of darkness in which there's nothing.

" _I know you aren't sleeping."_

 _I open my eyes, glancing over at the white shirted, black haired man facing away from me. "How could you tell?"_

" _You're breathing," he explains, reaching over to grab a bag of candies. "It's too shallow."_

" _Can't fool you, can I?" I chuckle, sitting up on the couch._

" _What I would like to know is how you keep functioning without sleep. For the past three nights, I haven't slept until daylight, and yet the others tell me you never sleep while they're here."_

" _It's nothing I can teach you."_

" _Because I'm human?"_

 _My eyes narrow, caution settling over me. "What makes you think-"_

" _I figured it out a while ago," he states. "The fact is, you have no records to your name. Even if you were using an alias, I have no doubt I could find you, but there's absolutely no information about you in this world. Not only this, but you also have none of the regular human needs. You've never once said you were hungry, or need to use the restroom, and evidently you never sleep. It isn't difficult to come to the conclusion you aren't human."_

" _...You're the first to figure it out while I'm trying to blend in." Normally I'd deny it, but this guy has such a careful eye. He'd believe his deduction no matter how I refuse it. What a unique person he's proved to be._

" _I've been wondering about your gloves, too. My primary theory is that there is something normal humans interact with that you can't because of your species, but there are a few other possibilities as well. You could simply be mysophobic."_

" _What will you do with this information if I give it to you?" I inquire. I don't think I've ever explained myself to a human before._

" _Well, nothing. I just want to know more about you, since I can't seem to collect information pertaining to you in any other way."_

" _In that case, you're right. There are things I can't touch. Any other questions?" I cross my arms._

" _One immediate one, although I might ask you other things as time progresses."_

" _Don't be shy, then," I urge even though I know he'd ask anyway. He's not one to keep his questions to himself. I usually detest people who constantly ask about everything, but all of his questions I've found to be quite intelligent. I actually enjoy it when he asks. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself without slaughtering an entire country._

 _He turns his head slightly, still not turning to face me. "If you don't mind me asking, what is your real name?"_

 _I smirk to myself. With all of the intelligence he's shown me, a regular question like this has actually caught me the most off guard._

" _I'll grant you the privilege of knowing my name, since I've taken a liking to you. My name is_ Kezu _, but don't use it around others. The thought of idiots knowing my name is repulsive."_

" _I'll take that as a compliment."_

I blink, eyes not bothered by the sudden transition from black to light. What was that?

"Kameko!" Mr. Yagami enters my field of vision, looming over where I lay. Where _am_ I lying, anyway? I try to prop myself up with my elbows, but quickly correct to using my hands when my skin sinks past the material. I should have worn longer sleeves.

I recognize the front room of the police station from when I was first brought in. I'm on the couch that sits directly across from the front desk. A light above the couch seems to be the source of the brightness that met me when I first woke up, and there are only three other people in the room. One is Mr. Yagami, one Mrs. Asobo, and the other's one of the men who came to interrogate me.

"I was about ready to take you back to the hospital," Mr. Yagami sighs in relief. "You have to stop fainting on us like that!"

"I...I'm sorry," I apologize, still trying to bring myself back to reality. Was that...is that what a dream is? But I can't sleep. Dreams only come when you sleep, right? So, does that mean...was it a piece of my memory?

But I was so arrogant! I can still feel the disgust the me from that scene showed when she imagined a 'lesser being' using her name. Was that really what I was like? She was unbelievably haughty and pompous! The air around her was incredibly vain! Except, she didn't have that sort of attitude at all towards that boy. Was it...admiration? Appreciation? The feeling the me from that conversation had towards him was somewhat...warm.

"You don't need to apologize," Mr. Yagami assures me. "You've been through a lot, lately. I've finished the paperwork to get you out of here and explained everything to Mrs. Asobo, so you don't need to worry. We can leave now. You're friend….her funeral will be six days from now. I'm sure her parents would be happy if you were to attend."

"I'll...do that," I nod slowly. I remember. Nanami died, killed by her ex boyfriend who I caught. As I mull it over, a spark ignites somewhere inside of me. Because of that bastard, Nanami is dead. If I hadn't grabbed hold of him when I did, he would have gotten away with it! And now that bastard is going to get a lawyer, and a trial, and a chance at _freedom_. Like hell he deserves it! To think he dares murder my _friend_ ….I can think of a few ways he would deserve to die.

My hands cover my mouth to hide the gasp, my shock probably written all over my face. It's there inside of me, a potent desire to kill. How could I want such a thing? If I'm like that, how am I any better than Light? And that...that...memory…' _slaughtering an entire country_ '...Have I...have I done such a thing? Surely it's not true! That couldn't have been me!

That's right! I didn't see the face in the dream! There's no saying for sure it was my body I was seeing through the eyes of. Maybe it was just a dream after all. I mean, even if I wasn't sleeping, I was unconscious.

Mr. Yagami pats my leg, drawing my attention. His face resembles the expression he had when we first talked in the hospital, unsure what exactly to do. "Listen, Kameko. I know it's hard. You can...cry if you need to. My family and I will always be here to help you."

I shake my head, lowering my hands and regaining my composure. "No, I...thank you. Really, I appreciate all you're doing for me, Mr. Yagami. If I could just rest for a bit…"

"Let's take you back home," he huffs, standing. "I'll make sure Sayu doesn't bother you for a while so you can sort things out." He holds out his hand and I take it gratefully, pulling myself to my feet. I nod to Mrs. Asobo and the man, then go to follow Mr. Yagami out the door. As I pass Mrs. Asobo, her glare burns into my back. It occurs to me then that they must have tried to look into my background and found the same thing Light found: Nothing. If so, then the police could very well cause me a lot of trouble.

But that memory….dream still bothers me. Whoever I had been...she had been so cold. Besides that warmth towards that boy, all I felt in her was….well, boredom. But as much as I hope it was just a dream my mind conjured up, that would mean I'm still clueless.

If that was actually a memory, then at least now….I have my name.

* * *

I'm going to ask again now since we're further into the story and you've gotten to know Kameko better. What do you guys think she looks like? So far the response has been interesting. It's really cool when you guys let me see into your mind, what you were thinking while you were reading. Actually, that may be the coolest part of writing. Writing is all about people, both fictional and real, after all. This may be a bit philosophical, but I think that writing may just be an author reaching out to try to get to know people. It's us writers opening up ourselves and hearing your reactions to our inner thoughts. Really, it's hard for me to express how awesome I think that is. The idea makes me want to keep writing even more now! Well, I've got somewhere to be, so I got to go. Maybe I'll tell you about it next time.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	9. Chapter 9

Great news! I recently googled one of my own stories (I was extremely bored) and guess what popped up? It ended up on a top ten list for recommended Tokyo Ghoul fan fictions! I flipped out! It was posted back in november when I had just finished writing it, and I hadn't the faintest idea about it! How did I not know something like this? It's my Tokyo Ghoul story _Scarlet Child_. Here's the link to the site: /fanfic-friday-10-tokyo-ghoul-recommendations/ Anyway, that has me super pumped, if you can't tell. I went into a frenzy and looked up all my other stories, which of course none of them had anything like that. But hey, having even one story recognized like that is amazing!

Sorry, I got a little excited. Please, continue reading.

* * *

 _BAM!_

I jump when the book hits the ground, Light glancing over in my direction. I wave my hand to indicate I'm fine and pick it up. When I'd taken it off the shelf, it had proven heavier than I'd been prepared for. I plop it down at the nearest table and take a seat, the quiet silence of the library disturbed once again by the weight of the book. A few readers nearby glare up at me for a moment before returning to their books.

Flipping open the eleventh book today, I scan through the table of contents for information about ghosts. I'm still unsure of exactly what I am, but the closest thing I can think of is a ghost. I've also searched through other creatures I'd never heard of before, such as a Kirin and Tengu, but none of them seem to match up to my….symptoms.

I turn to the seventh chapter and skim over it, not surprised to find the typical descriptions and history. Admittedly, this book is a lot more detailed than the ones I've read so far; hence the thickness of it. But when it comes down to it, it's just giving me more stories about similar events. Glimpses of human shapes, objects moving without being touched...there's nothing I can find to directly connect myself to ghosts.

Frustrated, I slam it shut and take it back to its place on its shelf. If Light wasn't Kira, I could ask him for help, but obviously I can't since he is. He's the person I least want knowing more about me. Since I don't know my way around the city, though, I had to have him chaperone me. Sayu's at school, Mr. Yagami preparing the funeral, and Mrs. Yagami is doing housework. If I wanted to come, I had to have him along. He probably thinks I don't notice when he stares at me, waiting for me to slip up and give something away.

My fingers trail over the book spines as I search. I'm lucky one of my courses is Japanese Mythology so I could use it as an excuse to come here. With such a reason, he shouldn't find my research too suspicious.

I'm jolted from my thoughts when my glove catches on one of the books. Sighing, I work to free it. The thin volume is aged far beyond the years of the books surrounding it, its edges frayed and colors dulled. Thinking maybe someone misplaced it, I slide it out and look at the cover.

 _The Origins of the Shinigami._

Ryuk flashes through my mind and I bite my lip. He's actually here, somewhere. He followed us to the library, but I haven't seen him since we entered. He floated off somewhere to do who knows what. I know he's a death god, and that he's the owner of the Death Note circulating, but...perhaps I should look more into him.

I peek over in Light's direction and, finding him preoccupied with a book, creep over to a table out of his sight to read. Unlike the books I've picked up so far, this one doesn't have a table of contents. Instead, the first page hosts an ancient picture of a grotesque being slightly resembling Ryuk. The first page with words on it speaks no more than a warning.

 _Woe to you who sees this face, for Death has found you._

Woe indeed. Shinigami's evidently are not the most pleasant things to look at. I turn to the next page, sending a glance over my shoulder to make sure neither Light nor Ryuk has found me yet. They haven't.

 _The Shinigami is a creature feared by all, and rightly so, because in their hands they carry the death of civilizations. From their first appearance eons ago, they have been mysterious beings. They appear and vanish as they wish, spreading corpses wherever they go. They are reserved beings that look on from above and manipulate the fates of men. Because of this, no man has been able to discover their history, or their origins. However, I know. A male Shinigami came to me and told me to write it down so that the human realm would know the power of the Shinigami, and realize their helplessness. I had no choice. After I finish writing this, I shall die by the hands of that very God of Death. So woe to you, my friend, who reads this. And woe to you who sees the face of Death._

 _I shall begin where every story should start: The Beginning. The Shinigami told me of a woman. Her name he would not utter. He never said, but I suspect he thought her name too great, too ferocious to speak. She was a human, but she ascended beyond humanity. She was a woman shrouded by death since birth. Her mother died birthing her, her father died of disease when she was small. People continued to pass wherever she went, but unlike other humans, she was never once bothered by this. She saw so many deaths she began to be able to predict them, and used this knowledge to manipulate those near their end. It was not long before she was revered as a god among humankind, but she ruled using fear. If she so desired, she would kill any person. She had no one close to her, no family and no friends. Humans isolated her, for they were scared she would bring disaster, but she escaped. I am refused the knowledge how, but she took both her body and soul into death and was born into what is now the realm of the Shinigami. She was the first._

 _Over the years, she stole away other humans she saw like her in the human realm and brought them into her world. In that realm, for the first time she brought forth life instead of death, bearing a child. As her generation's multiplied, they mutated. Humans were never meant for the realm, and so they became something inhuman. Their existence lost its harmony with the human realm, but through the humans, they found a source of eternal life. For every death of a human they brought on, their existence was prolonged. And so wars broke out in the human realm, and many people died._

 _Her first child-_

I snap the book shut, dust puffing out when I do. I don't want to read any more. A human became a shinigami? That's one I've never heard before. It's absolutely ridiculous. The guy sounds like an absolute lunatic, to be honest. A shinigami demanding the history to be written down? He was probably an old man hallucinating. Besides, that's not what I came here to study about.

"So you found that, did you?"

I startle at the sound of Ryuk's voice. The shinigami has sat atop the table, staring down at me with those red, unblinking eyes. His ever present grin causes my hair to stand on end.

"What do you want?" I hiss, keeping my voice as low as I can.

"How much did you read?"

I stand. "I'm going to go put this back."

"So," he chuckles, "not far enough, then."

As I'm sure his words were meant to, they cause me to pause. "What...do you mean 'not far enough'?"

"Kameko?"

A girl with long black hair pulled back into a messy ponytail and thin glasses meets my gaze from across the table, Ryuk moving out of the way so I can see her better. Her name comes to me and I sink back into my seat. This is Rui Hanazono. She was Nanami's friend.

I quench the spreading ache in my chest as we watch each other, neither saying anything. Finally, she sits down across from me and sets down a pile of books. I don't miss the fact she's wearing nothing but black.

"I, uh…" she clears her throat. "I heard that while I was away, you and Nanami...got pretty close. That you're the one who caught that scumbag…" Her fist lying atop her stack of books clenches. Her next few words come out a bit choked. "Thank you."

"I didn't do that much," I say, having to hide my annoyance about having Ryuk around.

She shakes her head. "You did. I would have panicked, and he would have got away….if ever get my hands on him…."

"I know what you mean," I gulp, slightly anxious that I can relate so well. It's not like I even knew Nanami all that well. Four days is not a lot of time to get to know somebody. And besides, we only interacted for three of those days. The day I went to the investigation office, we never saw each other. So why is there such a desire to...kill...inside of me?

"She's the first person so close to me to…." Rui sniffs. Clear water begins to gather in her eyes, reminding me of the way Nanami had acted when she told me about letting go of Osomu. "Have you ever….had anyone around you….die so suddenly?"

I nearly reply no, but my breath is sucked from me when I think of Ryuzaki. He...he's dead, isn't he? And...I guess...we were close. How exactly did he die, though? I can't….of course I can't remember.

Slowly, I nod yes. "There was one. His name was-" My throat constricts and my hand flies to my chest. I can't say his name! Again, the pain is like needles in my veins. It's like those needles have ripped open a part of my chest and left a bottomless hole that's trying to suck in the rest of me.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bring back any painful memories!" Rui hastily takes back her words. "I was just wondering...if you've been through this before…"

This time, I shake my head. "I haven't. I would remember if I'd ever…." I suck in a deep breath, trying to push the detective to the back of my mind. "Someone close to me has died, yes. But I can't remember it. Every time I think about him, I just…."

"I see," she lowers her eyes. "Hey….I come here all the time, to read alone. I find it...comforting. You're free to join me anytime. Today I think I'm going to head home, though. So...I'll see you around?"

"...Yeah."

My eyes trail after her as she heaves the book stack into her arms and stumbles away. Then they squeeze shut in irritation at the sound of the shinigami's laughter.

"Why won't you leave me alone?" I groan, putting my face in my hands. I'm tired of this! I'm tired of not knowing what I am, or who I knew, or what's going on! I'm tired of not knowing the source of this pain that persistently haunts me alongside memories I can't even remember!

In the silence of the library, the laughter of the god of death echoes over and over.

* * *

My condolences, Kezu. I'll be referring to her as that from now on, since I like her real name better than her alias. It's been a pain for me to call her Kameko this entire time. If you can't tell, Kameko Suzuki was actually formed using her actual name. She took the two syllables and made a human sounding name. Seriously, though. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the real villain in my stories. Just look at everything I do to my main characters. If I had to name a villain actually in this story, I'd probably give you Light, but it's kind of hard to say that. He hasn't really proven himself to be much of an antagonist to Kezu. If anything, Ryuk has bothered her more than he has. She does really hate Light, though, although I don't think she can really explain why yet. It seems to be that she just remembers a hatred of Kira, and since Light is Kira, she in turn hates him. Man, it's a pain to work without her memories like this. I'm sure you're all waiting for them to return to her, too. But, well, you're just going to have to wait and see.

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	10. Chapter 10

So guys...summer. No school. That's great and all, but I'm a little upset with all I have to do anyway. Vacations are great and all, but I also have to take classes...why can't school just leave summer alone? Why does it have to interfere with what is supposed to be break time? At the same time, though, my mom is probably right in saying I'll be bored out of my mind. As soon as this story is over, I won't be able to write again until I'm hit with some spark of inspiration, and the down time in between writing is torturous. I'll probably be doing a lot of reading this summer. There has to be something to pass the time, right? Obviously there's friends, but it's not like they live across the street or anything. I can't see them every day. Even if I did, it'd probably grow to be a pain and I don't want that.

Onto what you actually came here for.

* * *

The sky overhead floats blue, grey rainclouds lurking in the distance prepared to encroach at a moment's notice. The wind sits still, and the sun glares down. As I step out from the car, birds rush to sing their songs before the oncoming storm rolls in.

It's the day of the funeral.

I smooth out my dress awkwardly. All the fabric in contact with my skin had to be cotton, considering it's one of the few materials I know I can touch, but around the waist silver lace wraps like a belt. The skirt flows down a little past my knees, and the thin straps are covered with the same silver lace as the midsection. Sayu saw this dress when she brought me out shopping, and insisted it was made for me. Neither of us had in mind a funeral when we bought it.

Of course, with it I still wear my leather gloves and boots. Sayu had wanted me to wear a pretty silver necklace of hers, but since I wasn't sure if it'd stay around my neck or fall through me, I had to refuse. She allowed it because my 'tattoo' already looks like a choker.

"Shall we?" I look over to Light standing next to me, his hand extended to escort me. He's dressed in his finest suit, which is expected for such an occasion; however, his presence strikes me as absurd. I'm not mistaken to think that Kira is responsible for the death of Ryuzaki. No one on the team doubts it. For L's killer to be present at his funeral is nothing less than ridiculous, and yet, here he is. And he even wears a saddened expression.

"I can't even remember this person," I sigh, disguising a grimace. I take his hand anyway, allowing him to lead me inside. The building is a catholic chapel, designed to mimic the gothic architecture of olden Europe. Its spires stretch towards the sky as if to spear it. Its shadow, taller than itself, casts off to the left of the structure. A beautiful place it is, certainly. But its grandness seems to swallow anything joyful that dares approach it, leaving the atmosphere surrounding it heavy with grief.

The inside is alight with color, caused by sunlight streaming through the stained glass. Somehow, though, the reds and yellows and blues serve to only make the shadows seems all the darker. Before the altar is a sleek black casket, surrounded by black and white roses. None of the colored lighting reaches the coffin.

There aren't many here. There's only us, from the investigation team, and a priest of some religion prepared to perform the service. I'm the only girl in the room.

And then there's the person lying in the open casket. From where Light and I stand in the entrance, I can just barely see strands of black hair poking over the rim. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the image of that boy out of my mind. My only recollection of what he looks like comes from that picture I saw that day in the investigation office, but every time I recall the photograph, my chest collapses with pain. I don't want that to keep happening, and I definitely do not want to experience it on such a solemn occasion. Something about everyone's mood already has proven suffocating enough.

"I'm going to go join my father, if that's alright," Light tells me, releasing my hand.

"That's fine," I mumble, holding my now free hand in my other. "I'm sure he needs the comfort of his son at his side right now."

With an appreciative nod, he sits beside his father in the back row. I scan the area, unsure where to sit. They're the only two together, all of the others spread out to grieve alone.

Taking a deep breath in, I walk to the front and take a seat in the first row. Then I begin to regret my decision. Maybe I should go sit in the back. I mean, I might have known him in the past, but the me now doesn't know who this dead man is. Just me being here feels a little...dishonest.

A thought crosses my mind and I turn to Matsuda, who's situated only a few rows behind me. "Matsuda?" He lifts his head, his eyes faintly red, but dry. As if he's trying not to cry. "Where….where is his family? And friends?"

"Don't know," he mutters, voice cracking. "We don't have any way of contacting them….if he had any of them…"

Gradually, I nod, twisting back to face the front. I see. This man….he's kind of like me. He's alone in the world. The only people to even show up at his funeral are his coworkers.

What am I doing? I'm sympathizing with a corpse! Moaning, I rest my forehead against my folded hands. Like this, whoever I was before might as well be dead. What I am right now is little more than the corpse of whomever Kezu was. Kameko is just a parasite surviving inside of this hollowed shell. Of course I can relate to a corpse. I myself am one!

I lift my head when the priest clears his throat, claiming the attention of everyone. "Should I begin?"

"Wait!" Light jolts from his seat, his outburst startling his father next to him. "Can I….I want to look at his body before we start."

The priest waves him the go ahead and he approaches the casket. I must say, his acting skills are superb. Everything about him as he passes me speaks of distress. His slumped shoulders, his downcast expression, his hesitant footsteps: anyone would be convinced. As long as they didn't know.

He leans over the coffin, face drawn in despair as he clenches his teeth and fists in mock anger. It isn't too difficult to predict his next move. He's already declared he'd take Ryuzaki's place as the next L, and he'll be able to lead the investigation any which way away from him. He's not thinking about revenge. He's thinking about his victory.

Finally, after a long silence, he leaves the corpse to retire to his seat. Before the priest can speak again, I rise to my feet. It may not be the greatest idea in the world, but I'm curious. I want to gaze upon the face of this man at least once before he's laid to his final rest.

I can't even hear the breathing in the room as I draw closer to the casket. My heeled boots resonate with every step, filling my ears with a peculiar ringing. I pass by the bouquets of roses, contrasting grimly black and white. A few of them rustle as my dress brushes against them, and their gentle scent wafts under my nose.

And then I'm standing at the side of the deathbed, staring down at the unmoving face of the one sleeping there. His black hair looks as if someone has attempted to smooth it down, but it stubbornly refuses, with much of it sticking out in every direction. His suit is of the same color, even the tie as dark as a moonless night. His pale skin makes his ebony eyelashes pop, his pale lips relaxed in a near smile. Even dead, blackish blue bags sit contently beneath his eyes. How he is now….it seems so peaceful. He looks so...beautiful.

" _AHHHHH!"_

My entire body wracked with agony, I collapse to my knees and cover my head with my arms. My chest! My chest feels like there's a hole drilling into it! There's a knife twisting inside of my lungs! A fire charring me from the inside! And my head! The pressure! Needles swim through my blood and tear at my veins!

My ears pound a high pitch ringing as the shouts of others vaguely bleed through it. But I can't make out their words, nor do I care what they're saying. Somebody! Anybody! Make it stop! Make it go away!

The world before me sways, the light distorting and stretching and blending with the shadows. I scream until my lungs refuse to replenish any air. And then, the world is swallowed by darkness and I feel my head slam against the ground.

* * *

Oops. Maybe you shouldn't have done that, Kezu. She's developed a habit of passing out, hasn't she? It's not exactly her fault, though. Anyway, writing this chapter was a delight for me! The imagery! I basically melted while writing it! Sometimes there are moments like this where I finish writing something, and it comes out exactly how I wanted or better. They're such delightful moments! It can be so difficult to convey the precise mood I want sometimes, but I'm extremely satisfied with what I've done here. It was a bit short, though, so I'll apologize about that. I'll do my best to make the next one a bit longer.

Till then, Kisses from Snowyneko! :3 MEOW!

P.S Sorry about the cliffhanger :P


	11. Chapter 11

I believe I've mentioned this before, whether it was in this story or in one of my past stories I'm unsure, but sometimes you guys apologize for writing long comments. **Please don't. I actually prefer it when they're long**. It allows me a better look into what you guys think. Oh, but I have to say, someone recently mentioned that they had a theory where L was actually alive in the casket and when Light went up, he made some sort of gesture to tease him. Really, I wish I'd thought of that! That would have been hilarious! Unfortunately, though, I have no plans of changing the story since I'm this far in. It wouldn't really be my story anymore if I were to change it according to suggestions, anyway. At least, not big plot twists like that. Little suggestions are always welcome, though! I promise I really do consider them all. I'm kind of disappointed I didn't come up with that idea, though. But even if I had, I probably wouldn't have used it. The mood of this story is a bit too grim to suddenly throw in a comedic piece.

Anyway, onwards!

* * *

" _Will you ever tell me what you are?"_

" _Why should I?" I retort, spinning in the chair. This is the first time I've sat in it, since usually he's the one occupying it. Right now, though, he crouches on the couch with a cup of sugary tea. "It's not like you're all that honest either. You have everyone call you Ryuzaki, but it's not your real name. If anything, I'm_ more _honest than you. At least_ you _know my real name."_

" _I personally believe that lying about your species is much graver than lying about a name," L explains, adding yet another sugar cube into his cup. "Everyone lies about their name, whether it be an username or a nickname. But we all agree that we are human. You however….you are not."_

" _I will consent to that," I admit, pushing the table and doing a three-sixty in the chair. "Although, that's not entirely true, L. I may not be purely human, but I have it in me. My great grandmother was a human, as was her husband."_

" _Is that so?" he wonders._

" _It is. That's the reason there are things in this world that I can touch." I stand up from the chair, removing my right glove and laying the back of my hand against his cheek. Of course, his skin is so very warm against my chilled hand. "It's the reason I can touch you. Others, younger generations of my kind can't."_

" _Fascinating," he murmurs, covering my hand with his own. His eyes gaze up at me, containing the flaming curiosity I've grown accustomed to within the past months. "You say younger generations. How old, exactly, are you?"_

 _I chuckle, removing my hand and sitting next to him. "I don't age, but if you keep track of human years, I'm not sure. How old do I appear to you?"_

" _About twenty four."_

" _Well, then I'm twenty four. If you tried to discover how long I have existed, you'd have to somehow go back farther than written history. So, let's just go with twenty four, how about?"_

" _I've never understood why girls are so touchy about their age," he grins. I return the smile, laughing to myself. Then he goes back to questioning me. "When you say younger generations, does that mean you have had children yourself?"_

" _Not a single one. It was all my siblings and cousins who had the children. I never took an interest in a male, nor did I want to raise a child. Besides, every babe they had was more hideous and inhuman than themselves. I didn't feel like birthing an abomination."_

" _Then what is your opinion about the most recent generations?"_

" _Disgusting to look at," I respond without hesitation, "but they're much more astute than any human, and their mental strength is beyond compare. It took me years to adapt their state of mind, erasing what little weakness I had, and yet they were simply born that way. I almost find it...I think you humans use the word 'enviable'."_

" _What state of mind are you talking about?" he inquires, setting his tea on the coffee table._

" _We do not feel. Of course, they cannot touch basically all of the human realm save for a few things similar to things from our own, but I mean it in the sense of emotion. We do not feel fear, or friendship, or love. Our bodies aren't even built to contain such emotions. Physical pain isn't a thing, and we certainly do not feel pain psychologically. Our eyes are also void of tear ducts. My generation might have been the first to lose those, because I have seen tears from my kind before. My mother cried them when father turned to dust, as did my aunts, uncles, and grandparents as their spouses or children perished. Once they were all gone, though, I don't think there's been a single tear shed in my realm."_

" _You're saying you simply do not have emotions?"_

" _Precisely."_

" _Except you were laughing just now," he objects. "And I've seen you angry before, and annoyed, and bored. You clearly have such emotions."_

" _Ah, well, I suppose I phrased that wrong," I correct myself. "We don't have_ inhibiting _emotions. Amusement, anger, annoyance, none of those are terribly detrimental. Of all of them, only anger can blind humans. We're just more intelligent and don't bother letting it get to us. Boredom is inevitable no matter the species. There just aren't enough things in existence to keep all of us entertained."_

" _So then, what are you feeling right now?" he inquires, turning his entire body to face me. He looks kind of comical, squatting like that. He's like a small child._

" _Mm, entertained. I find you to be an extremely interesting human."_

 _He extends his hand to me and I take it with my still bare hand, both of us resting our hands on the cushion. The tips of my fingers pass through the material, but his hand supports mine so it doesn't fall through. His gaze meets mine, unblinking."...nothing else?"_

 _Yes, definitely something else. This warmth glowing in my chest is nothing I've ever experienced before. The alien feeling, although undeniably pleasant, makes me uneasy._

" _No. Nothing else."_

 _We stare at each other for a moment, his black eyes searching mine. Unlike humans, however, shinigami do not show any signs of lying. It comes to us as naturally as the truth._

" _I see," he finally accepts, turning his head away. I squeeze his hand, thoroughly amused. So this is what he acts like when he takes an interest in a girl that way. It's kind of adorable, the way he refuses to admit it._

" _If you want there to be more," I tease, "you're just going to have to try a bit harder. Maybe, by some freak chance, you'll awaken some long asleep genetics of mine."_

" _Genetics are difficult," he mumbles. "I can't accurately predict the likelihood of a turnout when genes are involved."_

 _I mock gasp. "You? Unable to predict something? Unheard of!"_

" _I can predict most possible outcomes. It's just a matter of the chance each will happen. Obviously there are possibilities larger than others, and some that are nearly at zero percent, but scaling them against each other won't give exact answers. I can only estimate. And the possibility of me stirring an old gene lying dormant inside of you is basically infeasible."_

" _Then," I push, "you admit you would like to."_

 _He meets my eyes again, dead serious to the point that I actually lean back a bit. "I would be interested in seeing how that would turn out."_

 _With my free hand, I move a piece of hair out of his face. "You never cease to surprise me, L."_

 _He catches my hand, moving it to his mouth and kissing my gloved knuckles while still gazing at me. I let him, not caring to retract away. Although I do my best to quell the turmoil bubbling inside of me, I can't help but be unnervingly aware of how hot his lips are through the leather against my lifeless skin. Really, I want to touch him more. I've begun to crave that living warmth of his. The more I think this, the more I want to space myself from him, but I can never seem to pry myself away._

 _On the outside, I display none of this confusion. I return his stare with a slight smile. When he brings down our hands, he says,_ " _I assume that's a good thing."_

" _It is. I really should thank you. This might be the first time I've been able to legitimately smile without shedding someone's blood first."_

" _You've killed before?"_

 _My lips part in a grin. "More people than you or I could ever count, although, I've never actually slain anyone with a weapon. Not once by my hands, but the blame is sorely mine, nevertheless. Does this make you think less of me?"_

 _He pauses for a second. "When was the last time you killed?"_

 _I rewind my memory back to when I hadn't lost my Death Note. Speaking of which, that's the reason I came to the human world in the first place, wasn't it? I haven't come even a single step closer to finding it. Perhaps it's time I admit I've gotten a bit sidetracked. "I imagine it's at least been a century."_

" _Then it's all in the past." This time he presses my bare fingers to his lips and I can feel his breath. Humans are full of warmth, aren't they? The air expelled from my lungs is no warmer than when it was taken in, and yet, he gives off so much heat._

" _Really?" I reply in wonder. "Even though you're in charge of hunting down a sensational serial killer? Even though I don't regret a single life I've taken?"_

" _I'm sure you had a reason."_

 _I laugh. "If personal enjoyment counts as a reason, I had plenty of reason."_

" _Without enjoyment," he murmurs, "you're lead to boredom and, in effect, depression. I understand enough to acknowledge your desire to escape that."_

" _Interesting," I muse. Boredom, of course! I despise the sensation with a passion rare among shinigami. Depression, though...I'm unfamiliar with the concept. Perhaps I've felt it, perhaps I haven't. Depending on what exactly it entails, I may not be able to feel it. Shinigami were never meant to host useless emotions._

" _I find you interesting as well, Kezu."_

" _Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?" I mention, releasing both of his hands. "The rest of the team are due to arrive in only a few hours from now."_

" _I guess I should recharge before they come," he agrees, adjusting his posture. Finally actually sitting on the couch, he stretches his legs over the armrest and lays his head on my lap._

 _And I don't move him off._

* * *

If you couldn't tell, I should probably clarify that this entire chapter was a memory. I really found it interesting how L accepted her after she told him she'd killed….is that weird for me to say as the author? Honestly, I think both Kezu and I expected he'd be a little more disturbed by the fact. It's pretty fun when characters I write surprise me like that. It makes them feel more real. If anything, this chapter reveals how intimate their relationship is without actually being intimate. They're obviously both attracted to each other, but Kezu's species is a bit of a problem. It's not quite a Romeo and Juliet story, if that's what you're thinking. It's basically Kezu's stubbornness that keeps them apart, not some outside force. Even though she's not exactly human, they still could've been together had she accepted the emotions. Poor girl….I really am a cruel author. Anyway, I look forward to the next update!

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	12. Chapter 12

My diet has been consisting of crap, lately. The healthiest thing I've had in the past week has to be the sandwich I had today for lunch. Before that, there was pizza, ice-cream, cake, lots of soda, more pizza, mac & cheese….the list goes on. I've probably gained a few pounds extra the past week. I haven't really been exercising either. I mean, in the past three days I've made two six hour car trips to my cousin's graduation and back. Six hours of sitting scrunched in the back seat…not exactly healthy. The most I've been up between those car rides was to wrestle with my brother and play a bit of competitive wii. Maybe after I post this I should go at least walk on the treadmill. Ah, but you're not here to hear about any of this.

Go ahead and continue onto the story.

* * *

Black umbrellas litter the yard, figures dressed in black huddled under to shelter themselves from the downpour. The pitter patter of the drops is drowned out by their collective condolences. All of them knew her, and yet, few of them allow themselves personal space to grieve. This funeral is much more packed than L's.

From where I stand just inside the property gates, I watch through the window of the building where the family receives the sympathy of others. A woman with long, dark brown hair has almost a constant flow of tears dripping down her distraught face, but never appears to utter a sound. Beside her, her brunette husband doesn't shed a tear. His expression is set in stone, as if afraid to bear the emotions that threaten to show. And last there is a young boy clutching onto his father's sleeve, hiding his face and only ever acknowledging the guests' presence with a nod. His shoulders heave and shake his longish black hair as he presumably sobs. I had not been aware Nanami had had a little brother.

The rain soaks me to the bone. My hair sticks to my face unpleasantly and my clothes sag with the weight of the water. But I don't move to go inside ever. I don't move to stand under one of the many umbrellas popped up.

People glance in my direction every now and again, most of them deciding to ignore me. A few approach to express their sorrow, but my silence sends them away. They all look so formal, with their hair done up or slicked back, and glittering jewelry dangling around their necks, and shiny dress shoes. And then there's me, my hair a mess and my dress reduced to a sponge. I'm the only one in boots during such an occasion.

"Does Light know you're here?" I inquire, turning an eye upwards towards Ryuk. He grins down at me, but this time no fear spreads in my veins.

"I doubt he cares," he quips.

"I do. Return to your human's side and leave me to my own," I order. "Or have you lost all respect for your elder?"

"So," he chuckles, "you've remembered."

"Indeed I have, so let me alone Ryuk."

"But Ke-"

"I would hope, for your sake, that that is not _my name_ you were about to speak. I don't want to hear the word uttered from such a vile, undeserving mouth."

"You're completely back to normal, I see," he muses. "But didn't you allow a human to use your name? If I am not mistaken, you've seen more shinigami as 'worthy' than you ever have humans."

I glare, and for a moment his ever present grin actually wavers. "But does that mean I see _you_ as worthy? That human proved more entertaining than world war one and two combined, and you dare to question my evaluation of him? I don't care if you are the driving force behind this spectacle that is Kira. Don't get arrogant, Ryuk."

"I take back my earlier words. You have changed, to defend a human like that."

"I don't need you to tell me that."

Although he hovers slightly above me, the rain falls through him and onto me. He doesn't even cast a shadow. I, on the other hand, revel in the fact that the rain soaks me through. Even though the day is overcast, I take comfort because the ground beneath me is slightly darker than the area around it.

After another moment, I sharpen my voice and feel my eyes begin to burn, the telltale sign that they've turned red. "I told you to _leave_!"

Spreading his wings, he takes off over the wall and out of my sight. The chilled rain falling around my face quickly cools my eyes, and they're soon back to normal.

I'll let Ryuk play around a bit longer. I'll allow Light to build up his empire a bit more. The grander it gets, the more spectacular the fall will be. The minute I find my Death Note, it will be the end of him. The end of his dream that killed L. Light is nothing more than a foolish, egotistical human. He plays at god as if it were a role to fill.

There are already gods of death, human. And this one, you have angered.

"Kameko?"

Even though I know it isn't my name, I still react as if it was. I spent a week familiar to it, after all. The one who called it was the black haired girl before me, her hair falling without curls or pins or anything elaborate. Without me noticing, she's shifted her small umbrella to partially cover me.

"That's you, right?"

"I would say it's nice to see you again," I let my anger melt away, "but under the circumstance….it's unfortunate we had to meet again like this."

Rui bites her lip, pushing up her glasses. "I'm glad you came, though. Most people here...just want to socialize."

I nearly laugh at myself. How soft I've become, how humanlike. I've always thought humans were so weak to suffer through emotions like sadness and love, or affections really of any sort. And now I stand here envious of the human girl in front of me. She's built to handle anguish, has the ability to cry. She doesn't have to be cautious of love. I never saw it as such, but now it seems to me a strength I lack. I wish I could at least shed one tear.

But I guess even among humans, she's unusual. Of all the people attending, she's one of the few I feel actual sorrow from. To many of the others, I'm sure the funeral is merely a formality.

"Ah, but where have you been?" she suddenly realizes. "I heard you've been missing for the past few days! You were at another funeral, and passed out. Light said when you woke up, you ran out and no one has seen you since! He was seriously worried about you!"

I doubt that. "I just...remembered something I need to do."

"You remembered? Does that mean you don't have amnesia anymore?" When I meet her eyes, she explains, "Light told me about it. It was one of the reasons he was so anxious."

"Yes, I remembered. So you can tell him not to..." I have to pause for a moment to keep my voice even, " _worry_ , so much."

"Why don't you tell him yourself. I can call him to come pick you up-"

"Thank you for the offer, Rui. You're very sweet. However, I have things to get done."

"But-"

"Really, I'll be fine," I give her a small smile.

She fumbles to grab something out of her pocket. "Here, let me give you my number so you can call me whenever you need."

"I would love to accept that," I apologize, "but I don't actually own a phone." My only possession remains the vulture feather quill, which at the moment is tucked safely into my boot. Two more names. I'll only keep it until I've written down those two names. And then, never again.

"When will you be coming back, then?" she asks. "How long are you going to be gone? Without Nanami here, if you leave…" With the umbrella over her head, the water beginning to gather in her eyes can't be rain.

"Nanami will be able to rest easy." I shake my head in disbelief. I can't believe I'm comforting a human. It's not like she's been entertaining for me, nor do I have any plans for her. And yet, like a human, I'm consoling her. "She has a shinigami watching over her, after all."

"Is that a good thing?" she wonders.

I think about it for a moment. "...I think it is. It won't stop until she's been avenged. I think that should help her be at peace."

"Well, it's not like that scumbag got the death sentence," she sniffs.

"No," I correct her. "He has. It just isn't the police that gave it to him." While she stares at me oddly, I avert my gaze. Two more. Just two more deaths by my hand then I'm done. Two more added to the infinite number of lives I've lost count of. Just _two more_.

Then I decide, "I'll leave you with something, but I can't guarantee I'll return like you want me to. If you promise not to tell anyone, not Light, not the police, not _anyone_ , I'll share with you something only the dead know. Do you wish me to tell you?"

"Not the police? What are you saying?"

"Do you swear silence?"

Her watery eyes evaluate me, unsure. "I swear."

"My name. It isn't Kameko Suzuki. If you're kind enough like I think you are, you'll do me this one favor. When you get the chance alone with Nanami at her grave, could you tell her my name is Kezu? I never knew it to tell it to her when she was alive."

"Kezu? What do you mean only the dead know it?"

"Because," My eyes flash red and her eyes widen, "the only other human I've ever told it to was killed."

Her fingers loosen around the umbrella and it nearly slips from her hand, but I grab it before it can fall. When I'm sure she has a steady grip on it again, I release it and step out from under her umbrella.

"You have to be the luckiest human alive," I mutter, incredulous, "to have befriended a shinigami. And a tamed one, I dare say. It's a shame the one who tamed me is dead." She says nothing, gaping like a fish out of water. "I suppose it's time for me to take my leave, then. I assume you'll make good on your promise?"

Mute, she nods. I bow my head as a goodbye and, taking one last glance through the window of the building, exit the property. When I've stepped foot outside, it's impossible to miss the police lights. I recognize Mrs. Asobo, the only woman to have interrogated me a few days back, with a few other men. Her entire demeanor changes when she sees me.

"That's her! Kameko Suzuki!"

I don't wait for her to continue, turning on my heal and taking off. I don't feel like dealing with them. I have a Death Note to find, somewhere in this world. And once I find it, I can get rid of the bastard who took Nanami's life. I can finally make Light pay for murdering the human who opened me. A wrathful god of death is not something to be taken lightly.

* * *

I love this chapter! Kameko is gone and Kezu has arrived! Finally! Her arrogance and pride makes her extremely fun to write! Writing a role of a god is seriously entertaining for me. I mean, she's like an all knowing badass! Who doesn't love those kinds of characters? Her interactions with Ryuk have completely flipped, too. Now she looks down (Well, actually up, but metaphorically down) on him as if she's royalty and he's just some scavenging peasant who crossed her path. I find it kind of funny, actually. Compare this Kezu from the Kameko from the first chapter. Go ahead, flip back to chapter one and check it out. The change is drastic enough to say they're not even the same person. And really, are they? You could call them two different people. Or, I guess you could also say Kameko is what Kezu could have been had she not been born a shinigami. But anyway, we're approaching the end! Oh geez, I don't know if this felt short or like eternity. Well, either way, I'll see you guys next chapter!

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


	13. Chapter 13

Okay, so someone's pointed out to me that they're confused over the presence of the police in the last chapter. The explanation is as follows: At the time of Nanami's funeral, Kezu had been missing for the past few days. Not only was she missing, but the police have probably discovered by then that she has no background. Her running away would be an excuse to bring her in and question her as to who she is. They suspected she might show up to Nanami's funeral, so they went. Does that clear it all up? Also, I've decided to try writing a mini series about the time in between the previous chapter and this one. The time skip is of five whole years, so there had to be _something_ of significance to have happened in that time, right? So for those of you who are not satisfied with this as the last chapter, I plan to begin uploading the mini series in a month's time or shorter.

Without farther ado, please enjoy the last chapter of _Never Meant to_.

* * *

The thumping of the giant fan in the side of the building is the only noise to be heard. Off in the distance, where the towering buildings of Tokyo climb to the sky, there's undoubtedly the clatter of people and the bustle of traffic. Here, however, none of it can be heard. Beyond the prison-like fence enclosing the property, there's miles upon miles between here and the city. So here, only the fan fills the silence.

Kira's precious new world doesn't reach here. As much as he's progressed, as much influence as he has gained, he will never reach the recesses of this abandoned warehouse. He will die away from the hideous world he has created.

In my lap lies the black notebook of my possession. Unlike the later generations of shinigami, my attraction to the notebook isn't very strong. It took me an entire four years to find it. And then came the agonizing year of waiting. Waiting for Kira to reach his peak of success so I could crush it all under my hand.

I remember when my fingers slowly traced the kanji of his name onto the paper. His name was the last. And his years shall be the last added to mine. The moment I lifted the quill from writing his name, I set the feather on fire and watched it crumble to ashes. When I finally witness the light fade from his eyes, I will do the same to the notebook.

I'm sure, when I wrote the name of Nanami's murderer when I first found the the Death Note, the investigators all thought it was Kira. Light, of course, would have known it wasn't him. I wonder if he knew then? That I was coming for him. That I had found my Death Note and was aching to put his name in it. I doubt it, though. He was probably too blinded by his own victory. His victory over the first human to ever matter to me. By nightfall, that victory shall be a victory no more.

From my seat on the roof, I spy when the first group of people arrive. A black car with tinted windows drops them off at the front, one among them a white haired kid wearing a mask. When I see what it's of, I grimace. It's a wretched representation of L. Even though the kid is vital to my plot, I've never liked him. He wants to surpass L. Unfortunately, that is impossible. He needed the help of his friend and a push from me to solve the case. L had had it on his own basically, with me nudging the process along a little quicker, until Kira killed him.

Soon after they've gone inside, the inspectors arrive. Mogi, Aizawa, Matsuda...and Light. Mr. Yagami is nowhere in sight. The bastard even had the nerve to kill his own father, who was genuinely kind to me in my time of need. From what I've discovered, Sayu has also gravely suffered from his actions. I can only imagine the state of mind his mother is in. The family who took me in and selflessly tended to my every selfish whim has completely disintegrated due to Kira. I don't care what he's done to the thousands of others he's murdered in cold blood. That's on his hands, not mine. But the fact that he's hurt the only people to ever be close to me….I will not forgive him.

Time passes by, their voices trapped within the confines of the warehouse beneath me. The thumping of the fan counts the seconds as they pass, the sun sinking gradually as the minutes go by. As it nears the horizon, it begins to look as if the ends of the world have been set on fire. Perhaps I should have given more thought to the type and time of day he dies during. He doesn't deserve such a beautiful sight in his final moments.

At long last, the final pawn arrives: Teru Mikami. Yet another despicable human. Worshipping Kira as if he's a god…. _I_ am a god, and Kira shall be judged by me. I can only anticipate Mikami's reaction when he realizes this.

His demeanor is insane as he scrawls down names, peeking through the door. He's gained Ryuk's eyes. Of course he did, because his precious Kira told him to. I move my position to dangle my legs over the edge of the warehouse to get a better view of him as he writes in the false notebook, setting my Death Note behind me to make sure it doesn't fall by mistake. Finished writing, he throws open the door to enter the warehouse. I lose sight of him while he counts the passing seconds on his watch. I, too, count them in my head.

When forty seconds pass, I smile.

I don't need to be able to hear them. I can imagine exactly what's going on. Nobody died, and Near is accusing Light because Light's name is not written in Mikami's fake Death Note. Light is scrambling for some excuse, but he can't talk his way out at this point. They'll try to arrest him, but of course, he won't let them. I made sure of it. He will resist, and he will be shot. He'll suffer the pain of slowly bleeding out, but ultimately, he'll die the same way nearly all of the criminals he's killed have. It'll all end with a heart attack the moment the sun touches the horizon.

Grabbing my notebook, I leap from the roof and land roughly on the ground. My balance is superb, but still I wish I had wings like the younger generations. All of my closest relatives being dead, I remain the only shinigami without them.

The door has been closed by someone, but I can now hear the muted shouting coming from inside. I lean against the wall and wait, eyes closed and patient. Five years I've waited. With the end so imminent, I'm comfortable with waiting a few more minutes.

And then comes the first gunshot and my lips twitch. So close. His death is so very close to the point where I can almost touch it. Before long, his dead body will be limp and he will exchange no more warmth with the world. Five years. In the grand scheme of my existence, it's such a small span of time. Somehow, though, it feels like it took up five of my lives.

 _ **BANG BANG BANG**_

The tall ceiling inside echoes the shots with hollow viciousness. It's followed by shouting, and I can faintly make out Matsuda crying. Being the youngest on the team other than Light, and seemingly me, he never was too emotionally stable.

And then the door is shoved open and a mangled figure stumbles out from within. He doesn't even look my way, rushing in the opposite direction with blood dripping a path behind him. With his wounds, I can walk beside him even though he's running. Still, he doesn't notice me at all until I talk.

"You look well, Light."

He trips over his feet, barely managing to recover as he glances over in my direction with wide eyes. Of course, he doesn't stop. He's running for his life. He hasn't put together yet that his name has already been written, that no matter where he runs he's about to die.

"How have you been these past few years?" I ask, mocking a casual tone. "I assume you've been having a lot of fun, taking over the world and all. With L out of your way, you enjoyed the thought of victory, didn't you?" He throws a wounded arm to whack me away, but I simply fall back for a second before returning to his side. "Bet you thought you'd never see me again, didn't you? I was the poor girl who ran off, unable to take the pressure, shocked by the death of her beloved. You knew about the two of us, L and I. You thought I was too broken to do anything. You never did figure out who I am, although L did. That alone proves he was more intelligent than you, that he deserved to live and you to die. Have you noticed yet, Light? I haven't changed since the day we met, have I?"

We come to another open warehouse on the property and he rushes inside as if to hide, but I trail right after him. On the stairs, he finally falls. Unable to get back up, he rolls onto his back. I stand nearby, leaning against the railing and glaring down at him. As I do so, he takes the time to actually look at me and process my words.

"It's a beautiful time of day to die," I growl, seeing how gently the last rays of light stream in and envelope him. "It's more that you deserve. You should be thankful I was as merciful as to grant you this much, putrid human. I used to not care, either. I used to not care about why someone died, or how they died, as long as it caused an uproar of some sort. So long as it provided me entertainment. I still wouldn't care if you hadn't gone and _killed the one human I liked_. The first human I ever _felt_ something for!"

As I speak, my entire face heats to a boil and my fists shake with rage. "Shinigami aren't made to _feel_ , you bastard! Why the hell do you think I lost my memory? It wasn't my mind that couldn't take it! It was my body! I'm not supposed to feel sadness! Not hatred, not loss, not _this_! _How dare_ you make me feel like a human! You've made me soft! I am your _god_! You have no right to do this to me!"

My eyes, surely red, burn hotter than the rest of me, but no water comes to cool them. No tears spill. Death gods can't cry, have never wanted to. But more than anything, I right now I long for it. I wish I could cry like a measly, pathetic human. As weak, and as foolish as they are….I wish I was human.

And the man who's done this to me is taking his last breaths before me, realizing he's failed. Even though my mouth is warped into a sadistic smirk, his suffering isn't helping. Once he's gone, he's gone. It won't make me happy, it won't magically fix me, but at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing he's gone. L's killer will finally lose.

"I despise you," I hiss. "Light Yagami, I loathe you. Who are you to take him from me? _Who are you_? You are not a god! You're nothing more than a human! You're no better than any other stupid human on this earth! Heaven or hell….I'm glad you're going to neither. You don't deserve a place to stay, even if it is hell! You can be swallowed into nothingness! Cease to exist, useless human! It should have been you! Why couldn't you have just gone to prison and accepted you death sentence! If you had, he'd still be alive!"

I bristle when he grins.

"H...how...long?" he gasps. "How...many years...d-do...you have?"

I freeze, my joints locking and my breath catching. The years I have left….I know. I know that there have been too many deaths for me to keep track of. I know my lifespan has extended beyond any number I could ever count. I never gave a second thought to the countless names I wrote, to the myriad lives I manipulated for my amusement. I did not contain an ounce of sympathy for the children, or parents of those I killed. Sympathy is a human ailment, after all. But now...now I feel the weight of every life I'd thought insignificant. Every life I've ever taken has added to my sentence. This is my punishment.

And….I can't kill myself to shorten it. Without my memory, L's existence will disappear once this generation has passed. If I don't live on, he truly will be dead. So I understand exactly what he's saying, exactly why Light is grinning in triumph at the moment of his death. He did not succeed in holding his rule over the world, but he has won. He, over me, has won.

With that smirk still on his face, he exhales, and his chest falls still. Not even the beat of his heart vibrates. Slowly, my limbs moving heavy, I reach up and lay a hand over my chest. As always, there is no heartbeat.

I stand like that, eyes wide and on fire, as the light fades from the warehouse. The sun's last rays vanish, and a chill breezes through the room.

I scream a banshee's screech and collapse, hugging my legs to myself. And I keep screaming. My fingers dig into my skin, but there's no pain to be felt, so I scratch them deeper. My throat refuses to become raw, so I just keep screaming without stopping.

In the final remnants of day, I sit, curled beside the dead body of the only person I've ever truly hated.

Wailing for the loss of the first human to have ever touched my heart.

* * *

 **THE END**

Well, this has been a journey, hasn't it? Kezu has come a long way from waking up in the hospital. She's really grown on me, like most of my characters do. Thank you everyone for your support of the story, as well as your enthusiasm. You guys kept me eager to keep writing, so much so that I'll actually continue using Kezu in a mini series. I hope you will all enjoy that one as well, when I begin posting it. My shout out this time goes deservingly to C.M Ishmael, whose comments let me see into their mind. Seriously, with 8 comments and them each being a sizable paragraph, I couldn't ask for more! Thank you C.M Ishmael for engaging so much in this story. I suppose now is the time I reveal how Kezu looks to me. I've had someone say they imagined her Irish with red hair, and another described her later on with dark hair. I've always seen her with long, mahogany colored hair that has the tendency to spike out, and deep blue eyes. Did anyone see her as anything like that? I've just always thought of her as very beautiful, which factors into why she hates the uglier generations of shinigami with such a passion. So, any last thoughts? I put everything I had into this story, my heart and soul and so much more. Thank you all for taking care of my mental health while I wrote, and I hope you enjoyed _Never Meant to_ as much as I did.

Till next time, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3 MEOW!


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